Thursday, March 19, 2015

Of Love, till now

One of my gyans with which I have bored  many other so called intellectual people like me , is trying to decipher the difference between love , sex  and  marriage.Seemingly the entire set-up looks like a plot to have sex and lessen complications. Do not know how the world could have been if polyandry , polygamy, orgy was all there and how the social structure would have been . Would the framework been a workable one?Could that make humans do something more productive than being reproductive? However the purpose of my post is not to fanthom that. I simply wanted to draw a line between the the three.Personally I have always believed that sex and love should be together , marriage is of course more of a social matter and can vary depending on many things.But then as I have grown up, going through my own carnal curve, and also having the chance to have open discussions with some other people, befuddles me a lot.
For example,how do you explain men going to prostitutes.Most men..i am not qualified enough to judge on their behalf (and i cant help on my gender!!), ..when they have sex with  a prostitute, may be first time sex, experience the sheer joy of discovering a new machine and how it works.They satisfy their carnal desires at the basic level. But then diminishing returns hits upon.  just like no porn is enough!
And how is that different from your first kiss with the girl friend or perhaps making love aka sex with a girl where there's a "chhupao-dikhao" attitude.It makes it a bigger jolt for them.. love making is an additional spice which helps in both enticing a girl and also giving that "unknown" factor..and all of us are always enticed by unknown.
But at basic level guess its only the carnal desire..different people based on their upbringing and mental built will try to rationalize it differently.And hence comes the various definitions of it and the thousand variations.
One can feel the typical sexual attraction for someone and then make oneself believe that it's love , because may be he/she might have grown up with the idea that one cannot have sex without love.

And again , the other kind can be , that one does all the things that are typically done in a so called romantic relationship, and still claim that he/she is not in love, may be because he was too deprived of love (love of family, friends including self esteem) ,so much so that he becomes afraid of love .

Another category, typically one of the sub-categories of arranged marriage, where people have had repeated failed relationships and hence do not want to take any chance.So they want marriage first and then leave it to their destiny to fall in love, which actually happens, because  by their definition, marriage has happened and love will follow. They know that this husband  or wife is someone to ensure that he or she does not fall in the social outlier category . What happens after this kind of marriage no one asks or is interested..our social inquisitiveness is active only at certain points like why not getting married, why not having kids, why divorce etc etc. The journey in between is lost and not to be mentioned.

And none of us want to have a lonely life.So we need company and marriage also ensures this. One of my friends once made this comment, which I aptly remember..marriage ensures with whom you are going on vacation 5 years down the line.So true.

Sometimes we also marry to hedge our future loneliness.I don't personally advocate that.I would rather prefer dying alone than be in a company that I don't enjoy for 40 years.

And then the mushrooming other versions of love, sex, chat frills sex....somewhere love is lost..does it even exist?  ever?

I have always advocated and admired relations that are anonymous..its not required to have a call it love or marriage..but it's required to have a responsibility , to turn back and see and take up or give up something , then only its a relation.It doesn't matter whether it has a name to it, whether it is a clandestine affair or not, but being responsible is required.I can see one valid reason for marriage that way.It makes the whole affair public, sets some standardized rules.Otherwise every person can have his or her own set of less than a many- to-many complication that would have arose from polyandry/polygamy.

Coming back to love..I would still believe and deeply believe that love exists , but yes I am heavily biased by my own upbringing, my parents and since I like to stick to my own funda, yes love exists. And it exists in taking responsibility, not just sincerely feeling for someone, but making an effort to make the person happy.Just like sex is basic, love also is innate and you have to take some risk to get yourself enlightened with it .If you don't you certainly are going to miss something :)

Not grey, but black

I was thinking, (which is my favorite pastime) and this thought came across.
Are there , or can there be pockets in your heart that no one knows except you? Not complete black holes, because you know they exist , and some of them have really been forceful enough to change you for life. Some things you would really like somebody knew!
This has happened to me many times and I am sure happens to others also. I have thought meticulously and lovingly of gifts that I would like to give to someone(sometimes even bought them), I have composed my feelings into well crafted words to be communicated to someone, I have planned of activities to be performed with certain people, all of which never happened nor will they ever happen.No one knows, but I have shared those experiences with those people which never took place in real.The people- friends, relatives,more than friends, they still exist but they never have come to know what I had gone through.
And so they are my black holes..some of them being so dark and long that I can't take the risk of peeping into them. Not that all of them are sorrowful, yes some have been so joyous like when you discover your child walking for the first time..but nevertheless,  humans, at least most humans  remember mainly the sorrows.At least people who cannot legitimise the reason of sorrows and that what should not have happened to them remember sorrowful black holes more than joyous black holes.One of the reasons I started writing , long back, and in those times , on pen and paper is that I wrote letters to several people to whom I had something to say.People and god(well I used to be a strong believer once) who made difference in my life . Some of those feelings could have been actually communicated though , but back those days I was not so infused with skills of saying something in well packaged manner.And also, somethings could not be told.I still remember one of the favourite thoughts used to be , if I die, to who all I would have things to say.Weird!! But yes, I don't want any corner of my heart to be unrevealed to no one.Not necessarily single person should know it all, but at least some things to some people..those things which have changed me, those people who have made impact on me..shouldn't there be at least one other person who knows about it? Or may be this blog or some bundle of papers?

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Let the light come in

Sometimes when I am sad, people advise me to practice the "switch off" and "switch on" strategy. Its just like switching off that circuit in your heart that's hurting.In a recent encounter with heart break with one of my friends, I too very wisely suggested her this option.Indeed this is a good option and will help her to come out of the situation, I thought. When she can't just stop thinking about it, and if those thoughts are doing nothing but making her more fragile, more vulnerable to anything and everything that comes across, even in day to day life, I thought it is just good to disconnect the circuit and let nothing flow through it. And not only me, many other well wishers of her did actually suggest her this. However, when I asked her , she said that it is not possible to switch off , because if she does so, it kills her very own self.It disconnects her from life itself, because she could realize love in every tiny bit of life.

This statement made me think on the topic and the way I am, it made me ponder a lot. Is it truly possible to cut off , from a situation, if that involved matters of love? Well it depends on how much we, as individuals are filled with love, how much we have grown up being nurtured in love and perhaps, how much we , in our daily lives, imbibe, experience and give back love. Love, this word in itself states nothing. It has a different meaning to every person. I had a friend once who could be in love with leaves, roads, bus, mountains . A favorite person for being mocked at, but truly I believe that is possible. On the other hand, if you have grown up as "nothing" and "ignored", and if your inferiority complex gets satisfied only if you ensure that you are around people who never have the ability or willingness to "know"  you,then the love you experience is the love for anonymity.This is also a kind of satisfaction of not having to take any exam ever and at the same time getting just the pass marks. You are trapped in your mediocre life with no intention of being happy.This life may be pitiful to most of us. who , kind of magnify love, and die and live for love. But, there is a good number of people who are actually happy with this kind of life. And happy by their definition.

And again there are passionate people, who are never satisfied, with whatever they get- in career, in personal life.They aim to break their "middle class" stature for ever and look for more and more.They too love, and sometimes very deeply, but they can never let go their urge to become the so called "successful" for the sake of love. They put forward calculated steps and take back the steps that do not yield any incentives.

Exaggerated or not, love is over hyped. Yes my friend is right. Love is a way of life. You cannot switch it on or off. If you do switch it off, it squeezes away all kinds of interests from your life.If you are just the kind of person who can never realize love, it does not matter. But if you understand and realize love, you are devastated without it.It does not matter if a heart break means a single person, but that heart break can't take away your entire sense of love. Love for your work, love for friends, family, for the beautiful weather around, for the sunny  morning, for a good night's sleep, for a good movie, for food,for your hobbies,for your home, for yourself.Surely next time when I will want to comfort somebody going through a heart break (and I hope that situation never comes), I will not recommend the switch off strategy. All MBA concepts are not applicable and right.I will recommend to fall more in love, so much so that the heartbreak becomes just a minuscule part of the entire world of love that can  just be ignored, just like those who can never realize love and can be ignored and pitied for their misfortune. Everyone has his or her way of happiness and let we, the love stung people follow our way of life. not trying to attempt on something that's not our cup of tea.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Duality in Truth

Ever wondered at the things we do here, in US with such grace and innocence, that we might not be able to do back in India?Well, if you don't get me right, here are some examples.
Keeping a close watch at the dustbin to get hold of any thrown away materials like sofa,mixer etc. So that you can save some dollars.And not to mention,buying used stuff from the nearest garage sale.In India, our inflated ego doesn't simply allow us to buy or use used stuff or thrown away stuff.We are taught to think that the family background we have come from , is more at ease to "give" than to "take".Similarly,dating with any girl/guy giving a damn to what "ye zamana" says is another example.In this country it doesn't matter who is doing what with whom.And specially for people like us , who are here flown away from their roots, and have no shade to call a home,it hardly matters with whom we hang out with.This country also endorses free style fashion which means wearing any funky stuff, any combination of colors and exposing of course!!Any fashion that is different and makes you stand out, is a "yoyo" here.It doesn't matter if you have "red lips" tattooed on your cheeks or if your trousers is almost slipping from your waistline or if your jeans is ripped off at strategic places.I was wondering if I litter in India, would I feel the same amount of guilt compared to if I do it over here? Or would I not give myself  a pat on the back if I cross the busy road in India in between traffic.But here I would be afraid of the comment from the by stander, that because I am not from here, I don't even know this country's rules.And for sure, I am never taught to hold the door for complete strangers , in malls, in restaurants, in airports and if I do this back home, it is going to evoke lot laughter at my "USish" behavior!

The list is endless. But what surprises me is how do we determine that something is apt in some place at some point of time and the same thing is not at another instance.Is there anything that has an universal definition of right or wrong? Things that are not social stigma, that are not loathed or mocked by others gain the right to be right and others are wrong.

Nothing has an absolute definition.The same activity experienced by different people, in different places or at different points of time gives rise to different situations and states of mind.So if  in a relationship, someone experiences sheer love, the other person may just have a time pass to overcome his or her loneliness. If rape is the end of life to a girl, to the perpetrator it is the manifestation of power and his manliness. I tried thinking again...killing? Is it not a heinous crime and beyond doubt that it should be universally bad? But then again, we do respect our great soldiers.So killing under a specific cause under certain circumstances is not bad.But that means, killing is not bad if you are part of a collective goal, like our freedom fighters had, like our country's soldiers have. But don't terrorists also have a collective goal? Is all collective goal good? Even rioters have a collective goal be it in the name of religion.And I believe people who are part of such crime organizations actually have very strong collective goals to achieve.Otherwise such organizations wont be able to sustain.They have vision, mission!! This is what makes it difficult to  fight against them.They have a collective truth which is perfectly legitimate to them.Because it is collective, social stigma is not experienced.We learn to despise something or follow something based on how much social stature we gain out of it or how much positive attention it gives to us. And if some truth is collective , then it is really difficult to break that chain.

Everything in this world is dual in nature. Truth has many colours. For truth between two people, it is only them who can know it and appreciate the truth of the truth. For collective truth, it is more complex .If only we can find a way for us amongst the different versions of truth....

Friday, December 26, 2014

Simplify and Go...

Observe and don't just see, listen and don't just hear, understand and don't just learn. Such is said to us in our growing parents, by teachers. These are supposed to make us more empathetic , responsible and sensitive human beings. However in the process, somewhere our so called intellectual minds start over-doing it.Don't we start searching for a reason when none exists? Don't we start looking into things "in-depth" and "analyzing", "slicing-dicing" every bit of information we see, every bit of response that we get from our surroundings and every individual whom we get close with? We cannot simply accept things at its face value. If we get ill-treated by someone, betrayed by someone, we still keep on finding reasons and more intricate reasons that "there must be some legitimate reason for the person doing that". And somehow that "legitimate reason" has to be as close as possible to what we would like to believe, something that would not challenge our own judgment And on the contrary , when something good happens to us or is about to happen, we still can't accept it wholeheartedly.We always try to find out reasons and more reasons, rationales and more rationales...So why, what, when, where..questions pop-up just like that!! Our intellectual, superior minds, minds taught to scrutinize each and every thing can't accept anything which is blunt.

Going by how human mind processes what it sees, there have been distinctively two schools of thought.One , that of Descartes who was of the notion that belief and understanding are two separate processes. So , basically what he meant is that people , at first, consume some form of information and then depending on how they understand that information, they believe it/ disbelieve it.Descartes' argument is intuitively correct, as we would always like to "believe" that we are rational individuals.
This is also called the Cartesian approach.This approach typically also helps to say that one always had the option of processing the information before believing it.It does not question the purpose of the person on the other end , if he/she purposefully wants to divert the other. Descartes , as similar to many of the philosophers of his age, considered philosophy in the light of theology.His school of thought always supported the fact that human beings possess the capability of understanding something and then believing it. Hence, if you are a follower of the Church, that necessarily means you and solely you are taking an informed decision. Similarly, if you are falling for a wrong person,if you are choosing the wrong career for yourself , you are taking an informed decision and nobody else but you are responsible for it.

The Cartesian approach had been challenged by Spinoza who was of the opinion that there does not exist any parsing of the mental process. Hence, human mind has a single process, which is "believing" unless and until that is proven wrong by external factors.This approach, though looks quite unattractive and unappealing, led to various experimental studies and research later on.
So what is the default position of human mind?Well, following the various research that went on, now it has been proved that Spinoza approach is more correct. So , human mind believes first unless something happens to challenge the veracity of that.

Coming back to my initial question, if human mind "believes" by default, then are we seeing a delineation from the normal when the intellectual modern human tries to look beyond the face value and finally believes that which is not even stated?Is this a new phenomenon typical to the thoughtful, sensitive, intelligent, urban world citizen?That is the reason, some of us, and probably each one of us would have at least some unanswered questions about other individuals..why was she  behaving like this..why did he say this..why did he do this...questions like this remain unanswered through out our life. We do not believe on the information we have, rather add on , may be some extraneous variables to the equation.Extrapolating more and more things are getting into us.

May be sometimes, simplifying things shows the right way.Accepting information at face value may not give a 360 degree coverage , nevertheless, an all round view is not necessary always and specially when that is going to be mostly based on hypothetical ,possible scenarios biased towards our mind's inclinations.Simplification of thoughts is required, even if that leads to hard truth.But dwelling again and again and over analyzing only burdens us.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Silly things

Everyone has his day and way of finding ways to avoid.Well what I am talking about is the instances when we have made up some story/done something in-order to avoid a particular situation/place/individual.
When I remember my engineering days, I still remember how I gave up having tiffin during lunch time , just because I was not in talking terms with the friend who used to share my tiffin!And thus landing myself into some gastric problem!And the friend, who made every possible move to avoid me, be it boarding the wrong bus the moment he saw me approaching the bus stand, or moving to the next desk in an almost cyclonic fashion the moment he realized that it was my bag placed beside his desk :) much of effort really went into that!!It took 7 months for us to be back to talking terms.And seriously now it feels really so silly.And then how can I forget those 7 days when I had a serious fight with my best friend because he had skillfully painted a nice, blue moustache on the newly bought barbie printed bag that my dad so fondly gifted to me! It was perhaps one of the most difficult 7 days of my life that I can difficult it can get if you know the person in and out, you spend almost entire time together and just one day changes everything! And yes we patched up later- and those 7 days still remain as sweet, silly  little moments of life to cherish. 
The list is endless.Everyone has them.Taking the longer route, intentionally delaying or hurrying up , hiding himself in bathroom/under the quilt and what not. And these little things have been both to avoid people and sometimes to catch up with people too.For me , one such instance used to be when I would take the longer, break journey including a 2 km walk  from Scottish Church college to ensure that I spend more time with my friends.
And once the invincible mobile was launched into our lives, things really became easier. So you can make false calls, pretend to be more busy, do a time pass and what not, sometimes to get far, sometimes to get close.I do , really appreciate the bechara cell phone for making our lives so easy. Sometimes it becomes so really difficult to make up excuses if it had not been the mobile.
When seen these things in view of present, they really seem so important to us and we spend so much effort to observe people or take stock of situations, sometimes harming ourselves too.But every time I look back and think, they seem to be just trivial and funny things of life and I wonder how much time and effort we spend in all these trivialities which may sometimes defer our vision from other more important things.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Wake up!!

Wake up from eternal sleep,wake up before drowning,
Wake up to see the world so mesmerizing.
Search yourself in the air around,
Search yourself in the green ground.
Look into your mails ,twitter and  facebook ,
Listen to a story, read a book,
Wake up to reply to watsapp messages
Wake up after silence of ages.
Stand up to your courage and belief,
Reach to your dreams , forget grief.
Listen to a song, dance to the rhythm,
Sweat to complete the run with them.
Wining might not be an option,
Have faith in your own opinion.
Light up the room,burn out the candles,
Enough you slept, no more mishandle,
Brighten your day, let the air flow in,
No more failures in driving test again.
Steer your way,take the lead,
Its time to get back to work, to succeed.
Walk up to those who love you,
Drink a beer or two,and let it go,
Smile a ton, and travel back,
Unleash life , unfurl,unpack...