Heaven's Choice

In a candid discussion with one of my friends, this topic came up, as whom should you choose as your life partner?Some one who is very similar to you or someone who is dissimilar to you?
While it so emerged from our discussion that both of us are kind of skewed towards two opposite ends of the spectrum, the topic didn't phase out from my mind in the following days.

Broadening the topic, this seems to be existing in case of all relationships, basically the question is whom do you choose to be a part of your life?By part of your life, it may mean friends, life partner(s) or , for that matter anyone for whom you have the leeway of choosing( hence blood relations are out of scope).

Going into any kind of relation requires a certain degree of change in your own life. Be it lifestyle, food , work, sleep, entertainment or other bigger things as ideology .
Change is something we all yearn for and yet sometimes are so reluctant to. We choose our jobs that give us a reasonable degree of change, we choose our academics that enables us to learn new things.
When it comes to people and relationships, you may accept the change because of primarily 5 reasons.

1.The person is very similar to you, hence change is minimal.
2.The person is quite different, a considerable change might be needed,but then you are in love, and just accept the change.
3. The person is quite different, change is required, but acceptance of the change ensures bigger profits, primarily materialistic profits
4.The person is quite different, change is required, but acceptance of change is the best option in the situation you are into.
5. The person is quite different, and you are very confident that you can change the person.

Similarity, of-course has multiple dimensions, social, economical, educational, professional,ideological, sexual, and many more.Let's look at some of the use cases in each scenario.

So when a person is very similar to you, he or she  and (you) don't need to change much. He comes from a similar background, shares similar perspective towards life .Dealing with him becomes easy.And most importantly, he doesn't do stuff because he loves you, but its just innate to him.This model , on the face of it seems to be more reliable, stable.It seems to be sustainable in the long run.It ensures that you are not coercing someone to change and hence he remains in his comfort zone, you, in yours.

One of the reasons why same caste, religion marriage ensued in society , apart from ensuring that the total net worth of the community remains within the community, was this. It is a harmonized solution that ensures not only stability within the couple but also among their relatives.

On the other hand, if you are dissimilar, things are different.So if someone is doing something for you, it is because he had taken the onus to change and make you happy.There is a remarkably greater degree of passion involved or hormones , you name it!This model, does ensure that you are able to learn from each other.It also compels you to go beyond your own comfort zone and change for the other person.And hence somewhere the bond gets stronger.But having said that, this is a highly unstable model, as people will burn out soon, tired of changing and satisfying others needs.

While the above correspond to #1 and #2 and resemble a more utopic scenario, #3 ,#4 are more practical .You may "ideally" want a healthy mix of #1 and #2 , but knowingly or unknowingly you will end up somewhere in the zone of #3 or #4.

By my own choice I would not want a #3, as this implies strictly materialistic profits creeping in..like say you get married to a person , and your father in law is a real whose who in your field and you have the intention of fully monetizing this!

I would say #4 is the most common and most normal thing happening. You may simply like or dislike a person or a thing based on the situation and make the calculations to maximize your returns(be it mental peace, happiness, or anything else but strictly intangible(we covered tangible benefits in #3)).And parting situational behavior with raw preference is really impossible.How would you or can you say that you would have loved the same person if you were in a different set up or at a different point of time in your same life? Our preferences change and there is no reason to believe that what/whom we choose today would have been same 10 years back or 10 years down the line.

As far as #5 is concerned, there are a bunch of overconfident people, who themselves are reluctant and stubborn enough not to change, but yes , they are forceful to ensure that others change. Dealing with such people is very difficult if you are in love with yourself and your individuality.You might feel claustrophobic with this lot, and if you want to be "you" these people should be avoided.

While we all have our optimal mix of similarity and dissimilarity , and most of us belong to somewhere in between range, what matters to me most is, whatever be the reason of choosing a person, once chosen, we should be able to say, that we did the right choice and would want that person to be a part of our life for a long time , unless something drastic happens.So decision followed by overall acceptance.People change , situations change, but there should remain some stability and coherence to deal with the choices we have made.After all when individual becomes more important than the incentive he or she yields, it is then we meet life!

Whats your pick??

A Piece of My Memory

Well all of us are more or less, obsessed with the devices of our life. Be it our laptop or our mobile or iPad or anything else.Yesterday when my most recent mobile's LCD display started going crazy, I too realized this.

As a result I was forced to use my old mobile, that I hadn't used since March this year. And well, it seemed a piece of my memory has been lost.My old mobile did not have any of the contacts, messages of last 9 months, phenomenal 9 months.Last May, I had moved to a new job, new city and I have been trying to build a new and partly old but comfortable realm of friends around me.It is not that my old mobile reminded me of my life in Beaverton, yes it did, but anyways my memory is not so bad that I need a mobile to remember that! And nor that the memories are so traumatic that I would be so sensitive about them! But the point in question is, I realized my mobile is kind of a part of my entity. As a result, I was behaving more like I have lost a part of my memory and as if I am placed in a time frame 9 months back.All the messages , call history , everything in the old one witnessed about me being working in my old company, living in Beaverton.It reminded me of the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a movie that I really really liked a lot..,

Also it made me think, that how , we , in our modern day world are living being traces of us , in bits and pieces and unknowingly how we are getting attached. Specially for people like us, living miles away from family and familiarity, the mobile device is unquestionably a testimony to who we are!May be it occurred for a small period of time, and as soon as I started getting calls and messages from my present, I was pulled away from that phase, but it did give me a taste of moving back in time. I was feeling claustrophobic and uncomfortable. ..may be that's why we say being with time is the best thing, you cannot lag behind it!

On the other hand, sometimes I have dreamt where I could see myself in a flashback time, of more happier moments. I felt happy during those times. and woke up with a refreshed mind. But when it comes to reality, going back to time seemed like scary.

For now, planning and forced to buy a new phone,during the thanksgiving weekend..

Who

Some faces are still so familiar
Some eyes are still so mesmerizing
That can peek through your heart
That can look beyond what is dissimilar
Some smiles are still so much incandescent
Some frowns are still so sweet
That can make you cry and laugh
Some fights are still so deliberately irrelevant
Some days are still so full of nothing
Some flowers are still so fresh
That they never fail to be fragrant
That they never fail to lose their colour
Some gestures are still so beyond everything
Some stories are still so alive and overwhelming
Of him , of her, of them,
Of the innumerous people in the crowd
Some spirits are so always unyielding

Anonymous

If you are in me,
And still I can't feel you,
I shall let you go.
If you are holding my hand ,
And still the piercing cold scratches me,
I shall let you go.
If you are with me,
And still your search is not over,
I shall let you go.
If you hold the light,
And still I can't find you,
I shall let you go.
If the hours with you have to be filled in,
And do not glide on,
I shall let you go.
If I yearn for you,
And still am incomplete,
I shall let you go.
Even if I know,
I will be broken without you,
I will let you go.

I and Me

I lie beneath me
I sleep under me
My burden is so huge,
I can hardly breathe,I can barely see
I can't remember when last was I with me?
Or am I trapped in my own subterfuge?
I was never outside the realm of me.
World is like a multicolored show to me
With my inflating ego to satisfy
I have forgotten to care for the me
Overwhelmed by my layers,I succumb to me
Is there a truth that I defy?
Someday I hope to elope with me
Someday I will set myself free
And then I will never turn back again
To you, to them or to me
I will be at peace with me
In the lightened solitary lane

Rusty Wings

Disclaimer: This post might seem to be offensive to many, however , if you understand the true meaning of what I intend to say, it should not be offensive.

For quite a while now I wanted to write about it. The question is of women education, and particularly with respect to women education in India.In the last couple of years, I have started to look upon things in a different light which is quite different from what I used to when I was back in my school or engineering days. In those days, I had never considered this, or it never came to my mind "what next". Being a girl and getting myself educated had absolutely zero correlation in my mind.It never occurred to me, that there are different ways and different goals of getting educated.This blog particularly deals with the kind of education that is meant for marriage.

We must confess that a majority part of women education in India today is meant for getting a good husband instead of a good profession- off-course if you consider being housewife a full-time profession then it would be getting a better employer. So getting a Google vs some local grocery retailer.So parents of this category start nurturing their daughters right from childhood in the absolutely goal oriented way( as they do not want to get a low ROI in return of their investments on daughters' education).Because otherwise, if you look at it from purely practical point of view, leaving aside the parental love, spending money on daughters' education turns out to be perfectly a bankrupt business! You have to anyways pay dowry for her, expenditures on marriage ceremony are always twice on brides' side than on grooms',you are never supposed to accept any money from her(even if she earns), and also, there is the long term risk of EMI dowries that might continue to n number of years to come.

Let's look at it the other way round.Many of such girls who have been "granted" the privilege of education by parents on the sole reason that they will get a "good" husband,do turn out to be good students as well.At some point during their educational years, they become more focused on the short term goal of getting good marks, getting through competitive exams, getting a good job, than what they are finally destined to do.This creates a problem, in the sense, that these girls, who are master degree holders or PhDs,do end up taking the seats which could have been "rightfully" of some hardworking guy who could be the breadwinner of the family and could have contributed to the GDP.
Aren't those guys deprived in that sense?These Phd girls at the end , mostly end up reaching their long term goal, either get an NRI husband or getting married to some ex-zamindar family! They can elevate the status of their husbands by being highly educated, proficient in English,smart, having good sense of fashion , yet not earning or earning very less,and being always available to act at husband and in-laws' discretion.Basically they are like organic vegetables with unknown side-effects.

We do also have parallel education meant for these girls like those of correspondence course, and open university degrees.Those are perfectly alright. Every human being has his or her right to do what they want. And it does not waste a seat that could have been potentially used by a guy.But then what about the good college, good degree holders - the capable housewives! One may say that it can be solely her decision..I completely agree..I have seen my mother as one of them, who in-spite of going against every one's wish(including my fathers) decided not to work.And the same applies to all those who had to decide in the greater good of the family.This blog is not about them. Because they took their own decisions. It is about those girls who have been educated but education gave the powers only to get an NRI husband and not the confidence to decide and be herself.

One may debate that right to education is one of the fundamental rights and one cannot be denied with that, even if the goal is to get married.In my personal view, I would say the same too. Because, even if these girls lack in their individuality, but still , at least they have the means to regain their individuality, at any point when they so decide.Education opens to them the means of reaching far ends, knowing what is happening, what are there options.And at any point, be it for family emergency or their own need, they can fly with those rusty wings...they are still wings you know!

Of Love, till now

One of my gyans with which I have bored  many other so called intellectual people like me , is trying to decipher the difference between love , sex  and  marriage.Seemingly the entire set-up looks like a plot to have sex and lessen complications. Do not know how the world could have been if polyandry , polygamy, orgy was all there and how the social structure would have been . Would the framework been a workable one?Could that make humans do something more productive than being reproductive? However the purpose of my post is not to fanthom that. I simply wanted to draw a line between the the three.Personally I have always believed that sex and love should be together , marriage is of course more of a social matter and can vary depending on many things.But then as I have grown up, going through my own carnal curve, and also having the chance to have open discussions with some other people, befuddles me a lot.
For example,how do you explain men going to prostitutes.Most men..i am not qualified enough to judge on their behalf (and i cant help on my gender!!), ..when they have sex with  a prostitute, may be first time sex, experience the sheer joy of discovering a new machine and how it works.They satisfy their carnal desires at the basic level. But then diminishing returns hits upon.  just like no porn is enough!
And how is that different from your first kiss with the girl friend or perhaps making love aka sex with a girl where there's a "chhupao-dikhao" attitude.It makes it a bigger jolt for them.. love making is an additional spice which helps in both enticing a girl and also giving that "unknown" factor..and all of us are always enticed by unknown.
But at basic level guess its only the carnal desire..different people based on their upbringing and mental built will try to rationalize it differently.And hence comes the various definitions of it and the thousand variations.
One can feel the typical sexual attraction for someone and then make oneself believe that it's love , because may be he/she might have grown up with the idea that one cannot have sex without love.

And again , the other kind can be , that one does all the things that are typically done in a so called romantic relationship, and still claim that he/she is not in love, may be because he was too deprived of love (love of family, friends including self esteem) ,so much so that he becomes afraid of love .

Another category, typically one of the sub-categories of arranged marriage, where people have had repeated failed relationships and hence do not want to take any chance.So they want marriage first and then leave it to their destiny to fall in love, which actually happens, because  by their definition, marriage has happened and love will follow. They know that this husband  or wife is someone to ensure that he or she does not fall in the social outlier category . What happens after this kind of marriage no one asks or is interested..our social inquisitiveness is active only at certain points like why not getting married, why not having kids, why divorce etc etc. The journey in between is lost and not to be mentioned.

And none of us want to have a lonely life.So we need company and marriage also ensures this. One of my friends once made this comment, which I aptly remember..marriage ensures with whom you are going on vacation 5 years down the line.So true.

Sometimes we also marry to hedge our future loneliness.I don't personally advocate that.I would rather prefer dying alone than be in a company that I don't enjoy for 40 years.

And then the mushrooming other versions of love, sex..phone sex, chat sex..no frills sex....somewhere love is lost..does it even exist?  ever?

I have always advocated and admired relations that are anonymous..its not required to have a name..to call it love or marriage..but it's required to have a responsibility , to turn back and see and take up or give up something , then only its a relation.It doesn't matter whether it has a name to it, whether it is a clandestine affair or not, but being responsible is required.I can see one valid reason for marriage that way.It makes the whole affair public, sets some standardized rules.Otherwise every person can have his or her own set of rules..no less than a many- to-many complication that would have arose from polyandry/polygamy.

Coming back to love..I would still believe and deeply believe that love exists , but yes I am heavily biased by my own upbringing, my parents and since I like to stick to my own funda, yes love exists. And it exists in taking responsibility, not just sincerely feeling for someone, but making an effort to make the person happy.Just like sex is basic, love also is innate and you have to take some risk to get yourself enlightened with it .If you don't you certainly are going to miss something :)

Not grey, but black

Are there , or can there be pockets in your heart that no one knows except you? Not complete black holes, because you know they exist , and some of them have really been forceful enough to change you for life. Some things you would really like somebody knew!
This has happened to me many times and I am sure happens to others also. I have thought meticulously and lovingly of gifts that I would like to give to someone(sometimes even bought them), I have composed my feelings into well crafted words to be communicated to someone, I have planned of activities to be performed with certain people, all of which never happened nor will they ever happen.No one knows, but I have shared those experiences with those people which never took place in real.The people- friends, relatives,more than friends, they still exist but they never have come to know what I had gone through.
And so they are my black holes..some of them being so dark and long that I can't take the risk of peeping into them. Not that all of them are sorrowful, yes some have been so joyous like when you discover your child walking for the first time..but nevertheless,  humans, at least most humans  remember mainly the sorrows.At least people who cannot legitimize the reason of sorrows and that what should not have happened to them remember sorrowful black holes more than joyous black holes.One of the reasons I started writing , long back, and in those times , on pen and paper is that I wrote letters to several people to whom I had something to say.People and god(well I used to be a strong believer once) who made difference in my life . Some of those feelings could have been actually communicated though , but back those days I was not so infused with skills of saying something in well packaged manner.And also, somethings could not be told. But yes, I don't want any corner of my heart to be un-revealed to no one.Not necessarily single person should know it all, but at least some things to some people..those things which have changed me, those people who have made impact on me..shouldn't there be at least one other person who knows about it? Or may be this blog or some bundle of papers?

Let the light come in

Sometimes when I am sad, people advise me to practice the "switch off" and "switch on" strategy. Its just like switching off that circuit in your heart that's hurting.In a recent encounter with heart break with one of my friends, I too very wisely suggested her this option.Indeed this is a good option and will help her to come out of the situation, I thought. When she can't just stop thinking about it, and if those thoughts are doing nothing but making her more fragile, more vulnerable to anything and everything that comes across, even in day to day life, I thought it is just good to disconnect the circuit and let nothing flow through it. And not only me, many other well wishers of her did actually suggest her this. However, when I asked her , she said that it is not possible to switch off , because if she does so, it kills her very own self.It disconnects her from life itself, because she could realize love in every tiny bit of life.

This statement made me think on the topic , it made me ponder a lot. Is it truly possible to cut off , from a situation, if that involved matters of love? Well it depends on how much we, as individuals are filled with love, how much we have grown up being nurtured in love and perhaps, how much we , in our daily lives, imbibe, experience and give back love. Love, this word in itself states nothing. It has a different meaning to every person. I had a friend once who could be in love with leaves, roads, bus, mountains . A favorite person for being mocked at, but truly I believe that is possible. On the other hand, if you have grown up as "nothing" and "ignored", and if your inferiority complex gets satisfied only if you ensure that you are around people who never have the ability or willingness to "know"  you,then the love you experience is the love for anonymity.This is also a kind of satisfaction of not having to take any exam ever and at the same time getting just the pass marks. You are trapped in your mediocre life with no intention of being happy.This life may be pitiful to most of us. who , kind of magnify love, and die and live for love. But, there is a good number of people who are actually happy with this kind of life. And happy by their definition.

And again there are passionate people, who are never satisfied, with whatever they get- in career, in personal life.They aim to break their "middle class" stature for ever and look for more and more.They too love, and sometimes very deeply, but they can never let go their urge to become the so called "successful" for the sake of love. They put forward calculated steps and take back the steps that do not yield any incentives.

Exaggerated or not, love is over hyped. Yes my friend is right. Love is a way of life. You cannot switch it on or off. If you do switch it off, it squeezes away all kinds of interests from your life.If you are just the kind of person who can never realize love, it does not matter. But if you understand and realize love, you are devastated without it.It does not matter if a heart break means a single person, but that heart break can't take away your entire sense of love. Love for your work, love for friends, family, for the beautiful weather around, for the sunny  morning, for a good night's sleep, for a good movie, for food,for your hobbies,for your home, for yourself.Surely next time when I will want to comfort somebody going through a heart break (and I hope that situation never comes), I will not recommend the switch off strategy. All MBA concepts are not applicable and right.I will recommend to fall more in love, so much so that the heartbreak becomes just a minuscule part of the entire world of love that can  just be ignored. Everyone has his or her way of happiness and lest not try to attempt on something that's not our cup of tea.

Duality in Truth

Would you do things in a comparatively free society that you would have considered not doing otherwise?

There can be several reasons as to why you would consider not doing something.Might be because you feel it is unethical, or because your loved ones feel it is unethical or may be just your social structure does not endorse it.When I say "unethical" vs "non-endorsement", there's a difference.You might feel marital rape is wrong and thus unethical but Indian law does not criminalize it. That's one example.

In US we do certain things with such grace and innocence, that we might not be able to do back in India.
Keeping a close watch at the dustbin to get hold of any thrown away materials like sofa,mixer etc is one example. All to  save some dollars.And not to mention,buying used stuff from the nearest garage sale.In India, our inflated ego doesn't simply allow us to buy or use used stuff or thrown away stuff.We are taught to think that the family background we have come from , is more at ease to "give" than to "take".I feel this is an example more of social stigma or social "way of living" and does not correspond to facing one's deeper self.


Dating++ with any girl/guy giving a damn to what "ye zamana" says is another example.In this country it doesn't matter who is doing what with whom.So people try out things which might be simply grave , when they are back in their homes.It is not just a social stigma in that case. The entire definition of ethics or values changes.You might not be able to face your near and dear ones , if they come to know about your "karnamas", but simply because there is no chance of the information reaching to them, you feel comfortable.

This country also endorses free style fashion which means wearing any funky stuff, any combination of colors and exposing of course!!Any fashion that is different and makes you stand out, is a "yoyo" here.It doesn't matter if you have "red lips" tattooed on your cheeks or if your trousers is almost slipping from your waistline or if your jeans is ripped off at strategic places.I was wondering if I litter in India, would I feel the same amount of guilt compared to if I do it over here? Or would I not give myself  a pat on the back if I cross the busy road in India in between traffic.But here I would be afraid of the comment from the by stander, that because I am not from here, I don't even know this country's rules.And for sure, I am never taught to hold the door for complete strangers , in malls, in restaurants, in airports and if I do this back home, it is going to evoke lot laughter at my "USish" behavior!

The list is endless. But what surprises me is how do we determine that something is apt in some place at some point of time and the same thing is not at another instance.Is there anything that has an universal definition of right or wrong? Things that are not social stigma, that are not loathed or mocked by others gain the right to be right and others are wrong.

Nothing has an absolute definition.The same activity experienced by different people, in different places or at different points of time gives rise to different situations and states of mind.So if  in a relationship, someone experiences sheer love, the other person may just have a time pass to overcome his or her loneliness. I tried thinking again...killing? Is it not a heinous crime and beyond doubt that it should be universally bad? But then again, we do respect our great soldiers.So killing under a specific cause under certain circumstances is not bad.But that means, killing is not bad if you are part of a collective goal, like our freedom fighters had, like our country's soldiers have. But don't terrorists also have a collective goal? Is all collective goal good? Even rioteers have a collective goal be it in the name of religion.And I believe people who are part of such crime organizations actually have very strong collective goals to achieve.Otherwise such organizations wont be able to sustain.They have vision, mission!! This is what makes it difficult to  fight against them.They have a collective truth which is perfectly legitimate to them.Because it is collective, social stigma is not experienced.We learn to despise something or follow something based on how much social stature we gain out of it or how much positive attention it gives to us. And if some truth is collective , then it is really difficult to break that chain.

Everything in this world is dual in nature. Truth has many colours. For truth between two people, it is only them who can know it and appreciate the truth of the truth. For collective truth, it is more complex .If only we can find a way  amongst the different versions of truth....
Having said that, I , personally believe that changing oneself as per the requirements of a new place is apt.But as long as that does not change the morals or values which are so intrinsic.So if it is some change of fashion or food habits or lifestyle or courtesy related then it is welcome.But if it leads to something that you are changing your values, that is unwelcome and not endorsed.

Simplify and Go...

Observe and don't just see, listen and don't just hear, understand and don't just learn. Such is said to us in our growing years..by parents, by teachers. These are supposed to make us more empathetic , responsible and sensitive human beings. However in the process, somewhere our so called intellectual minds start over-doing it.Don't we start searching for a reason when none exists? Don't we start looking into things "in-depth" and "analyzing", "slicing-dicing" every bit of information we see, every bit of response that we get from our surroundings and every individual whom we get close with? We cannot simply accept things at its face value. If we get ill-treated by someone, betrayed by someone, we still keep on finding reasons and more intricate reasons that "there must be some legitimate reason for the person doing that". And somehow that "legitimate reason" has to be as close as possible to what we would like to believe, something that would not challenge our own judgment And on the contrary , when something good happens to us or is about to happen, we still can't accept it wholeheartedly.We always try to find out reasons and more reasons, rationales and more rationales...So why, what, when, where..questions pop-up just like that!! Our intellectual, superior minds, minds taught to scrutinize each and every thing can't accept anything which is blunt.

Going by how human mind processes what it sees, there have been distinctively two schools of thought.One , that of Descartes who was of the notion that belief and understanding are two separate processes. So , basically what he meant is that people , at first, consume some form of information and then depending on how they understand that information, they believe it/ disbelieve it.Descartes' argument is intuitively correct, as we would always like to "believe" that we are rational individuals.
This is also called the Cartesian approach.This approach typically also helps to say that one always had the option of processing the information before believing it.It does not question the purpose of the person on the other end , if he/she purposefully wants to divert the other. Descartes , as similar to many of the philosophers of his age, considered philosophy in the light of theology.His school of thought always supported the fact that human beings possess the capability of understanding something and then believing it. Hence, if you are a follower of the Church, that necessarily means you and solely you are taking an informed decision. Similarly, if you are falling for a wrong person,if you are choosing the wrong career for yourself , you are taking an informed decision and nobody else but you are responsible for it.

The Cartesian approach had been challenged by Spinoza who was of the opinion that there does not exist any parsing of the mental process. Hence, human mind has a single process, which is "believing" unless and until that is proven wrong by external factors.This approach, though looks quite unattractive and unappealing, led to various experimental studies and research later on.
So what is the default position of human mind?Well, following the various research that went on, now it has been proved that Spinoza approach is more correct. So , human mind believes first unless something happens to challenge the veracity of that.

Coming back to my initial question, if human mind "believes" by default, then are we seeing a delineation from the normal when the intellectual modern human tries to look beyond the face value and finally believes that which is not even stated?Is this a new phenomenon typical to the thoughtful, sensitive, intelligent, urban world citizen?That is the reason, some of us, and probably each one of us would have at least some unanswered questions about other individuals..why was she  behaving like this..why did he say this..why did he do this...questions like this remain unanswered through out our life. We do not believe on the information we have, rather add on , may be some extraneous variables to the equation.Extrapolating more and more things are getting into us.

May be sometimes, simplifying things shows the right way.Accepting information at face value may not give a 360 degree coverage , nevertheless, an all round view is not necessary always and specially when that is going to be mostly based on hypothetical ,possible scenarios biased towards our mind's inclinations.Simplification of thoughts is required, even if that leads to hard truth.But dwelling again and again and over analyzing only burdens us.

Silly things

Everyone has his day and way of finding ways to avoid.Well what I am talking about is the instances when we have made up some story/done something in-order to avoid a particular situation/place/individual.

When I remember my engineering days, I still remember how I gave up having tiffin during lunch time , just because I was not in talking terms with the friend who used to share my tiffin!And thus landing myself into some gastric problem!And the friend, who made every possible move to avoid me, be it boarding the wrong bus the moment he saw me approaching the bus stand, or moving to the next desk in an almost cyclonic fashion the moment he realized that it was my bag placed beside his desk :)

Lol...how much of effort really went into that!!It took 7 months for us to be back to talking terms.And seriously now it feels really so silly.And then how can I forget those 7 days when I had a serious fight with my best friend because he had skillfully painted a nice, blue moustache on the newly bought barbie printed bag that my dad so fondly gifted to me! It was perhaps one of the most difficult 7 days of my life that I can remember..how difficult it can get if you know the person in and out, you spend almost entire time together and just one day changes everything! And yes we patched up later- and those 7 days still remain as sweet, silly  little moments of life to cherish. 

The list is endless.Everyone has them.Taking the longer route, intentionally delaying or hurrying up , hiding himself in bathroom/under the quilt and what not. And these little things have been both to avoid people and sometimes to catch up with people too.For me , one such instance used to be when I would take the longer, break journey including a 2 km walk  from Scottish Church college to ensure that I spend more time with my friends.

When seen these things in view of present, they really seem so important to us and we spend so much effort to observe people or take stock of situations, sometimes harming ourselves too.But every time I look back and think, they seem to be just trivial and funny things of life and I wonder how much time and effort we spend in all these trivialities which may sometimes defer our vision from other more important things.

Wake up!!

Wake up from eternal sleep,wake up before drowning,
Wake up to see the world so mesmerizing.
Search yourself in the air around,
Search yourself in the green ground.
Look into your mails ,twitter and  facebook ,
Listen to a story, read a book,
Wake up to reply to watsapp messages
Wake up after silence of ages.
Stand up to your courage and belief,
Reach to your dreams , forget grief.
Listen to a song, dance to the rhythm,
Sweat to complete the run with them.
Wining might not be an option,
Have faith in your own opinion.
Light up the room,burn out the candles,
Enough you slept, no more mishandle,
Brighten your day, let the air flow in,
No more failures in driving test again.
Steer your way,take the lead,
Its time to get back to work, to succeed.
Walk up to those who love you,
Drink a beer or two,and let it go,
Smile a ton, and travel back,
Unleash life , unfurl,unpack...

The Unsaid Lie

Say it for once,
Say it for the last time,
Say it till her patience lasts,
It's good to lie sometime

Your eyes betrayed your words,
Your lips shattered your truth,
She still awaits to hear it from you,
Bring her some peace, make her soothe

You had your moments,
You still, will have those,
Let her listen to the lie for once,
Get her ready to lose

Say it for the first time,
And yes, for the last time, ever,
For the sake of her silence,
For the sake of  time forever..

How I wonder..

When I see the long path in front of me,
The same path trodden again and again,
How different does it feel to me!
Now that I will never walk on it again

When I see those small thatched houses,
And the big moon rising above them
How wary I used to be of peeping glances,
The windows and dim lights within them!

When I feel the earthy fragrance around me
The fragrance I got so used to,
How far I have traveled from that overwhelming spree!
And still there's a destination I need to reach to!

When I feel the piercing cold,
In my arms, feet and  inner self,
What else remains to unfold?
Now that I have raged a war with myself

When I see the colors ahead of me,
And then the moistened grass, black and green,
How much do I urge to search for peace , may be,
May be go back in a time machine?

When I see in the future,bright and colorful,
Why does it appear so confusing...
When I lean back and look the past , so deceitful,
Perhaps known evils are still so falsely reassuring!

Yet I keep on walking down the new lane,
Its brightness blurring my eyes,
Trying to keep steady and sane,
Before arrival of the final goodbyes

Inert

Ok guys..I am back..yes..straight after January ..post I wrote a poem when I visited Chennai(lol..can that be possible!!).This is my second blog post of the year and first , after I have become one of those extremely sought after desis in US.Why I didn't/couldn't write in these many months, in spite of tons of thoughts and new experiences crawling into head(some into my heart) is a mystery..well not a mystery though..come on..every genius has a writers block.And people who have known me, know how many blocks I deal with!!and of course I am "the genius".

Enough of bragging done..anyways no amount of self promotion helps if the product is not good- optimum to be precise.Let's see what I have to write for today..Not that I run out of topics..I have ample of them..US, India, Modi, Mamta, movie,mind,marriage, love, porn, sex, dhoka, dhokla, .forgive me the series in which I have stated the above words!! But writing becomes a challenge when you are confused about what to write and about whom to write.So for now I have finalized the main character of this blog to be me.Yes, I am highly narcissist and I deny to become an avtaar of goodness and motherly good.

Coming to the point,yesterday was really enlightening to me. I was reading through my old posts(to increase the page view count obviously!!) and it amazed me, how I have not changed!!Every time we go through a bad or good experience we bloat about how that changed our lives. We miss people who we think changed our lives, we miss the time, the place. Unaware of the superfluous nature of life and time, we think that events, people -they are so important they can change us.And we humans are really so inert to change , as soon as we realize that the change is against our thought process. However if, the change is "wanted" then we give it lot of nice and melodious names like marriage, love, friendship, new job, B-school, Investment banking,home etc etc.And this is specially true for narcissistic people like me who find greatness in believing that if a change happens, that should happen by my own choice and not accept anything on the fly.If something happens beyond your own control, then definitely that hurts the unknown, undefinable and obscure term called self respect. You tend to believe and pity yourself that "you have changed"!!
How I have behaved in the past years has been completely erratic..but as an analyst , as an MBA, as a consultant I am supposed to give a solution to anything and everything. I cannot run out of answers!!

So here comes the conclusion, that how much ever we try  or whatever be the situation, change is a thing that happens in its own sweet way, if it has to happen. If not,you still remain same,no matter how much you crib for it.Change is not something that you will be able to "experience", but it will just happen, for good or bad.It is only after several years that you can figure it out.And when life changing events/circumstances do happen in your life, you are too oblivious to them, specially if those are unwanted ones. You react in a totally different manner than expected and become kind of senseless, may be a way to bypass the time that is borne out of it(or may be the situation is borne out of time!!).You don't even know what you say, do, react, make others do.You are not in a position to..
Things just happen...there is no way you could have changed anything and hence the change in your inner self also just happens, there is nothing more to it and most other people will give a damn  that you are changing unless that actually decreases their incentives in some way or the other.

Midnight Travelouge

Is it a fall?
No it's a journey.
But isn't it downhill?
Yes.It is...it's a long walk and it allows to come back and meet again..where you left.
But still.It's a fall.Won't you say it?
No.You can come back and this time uphill.
But uphill is difficult?What if you can never come back?
Well..there's always a place in between..in the woods..where the road turned away to  denser greens
Do you have a company?
Yes..I have..at different times.
Do you seek someone?
No.I seek something.
And did you ever come across it?
Yes. Quite a few times..it's just that it never allows itself to hold..it flows away..you know..just like that river that flows by the hillside.
And you still seek it again?
Yes.My work is to search..until I get tired..till I am there.
Till you are there?
You see..I may be ..I may not be..sometimes things are not meant to be like what you would believe,or at the least want to believe.
Isn't it confusing?
No...It's surprising!
And what's that you see far down the hill?
That's  life..
And what's here..uphill ..where you start?
That's also another life..
And what are you ..and the others?
Well..we all are just mediums of transfer.
For The Thing you seek?
Yes.It is and it never ends here.

Like waves..

It's not about big things you could have done

Or petty things that you do,

It's not about the achievements- there might be none

Neither about the failures - some of them you might not even know!

Day in and day out you might find yourself,

Trapped in sarcasms, betrayals, loss,

And yet, continually rediscover yourself,

Like those relentless ocean waves...

There are people you wanted to be with,

And people whom you never urged for,

And yet you find yourself in a cozy realm to be with

It is because, it's you, whose identity makes it worth for.

You are free to fall and arise again,

And follow your own path – the one which still lies afresh,

And the one that has been trodden, again and again,

The more you like it, pain of fall is less

The satisfaction of being oneself

It's a hard earned treasure,

No repents, no compromises and nothing that haunts yourself,

Freedom, they say, is a gifted measure

Needless to say but...

Not that I am too emotionally overloaded particularly because of the Delhi rape case. But certainly the views that have come up in open in the past one month makes me write again on this. Yes I am overloaded because of the alarming situation. This is not a stray case, our national capital has also been the rapist paradise for years now and slowly other cities are also catching up. From my Delhi friends as well as my stay for few months in Ghaziabad and various adjacent areas, I do know how women cope up there. As a woman living various phases of my life in Kolkata, Hyderabad, Pune, I have also faced eve-teasing and have learnt to consider the security factor, always. Villages aka Bharat is sill safe or they say so, just because Police stations are far away or actually non-existent, and people don’t report most of the cases because "izzat ka sawal hai".Not that these views of politicians, media, spiritual gurus(high on spirits) and common man, including me, were not at all known before, but certainly the nation seems to react now. And hence comes my second post on particularly the topic of why girls should not provoke guys, should not stay late, should not party, in short , stay back, stay out of the mess to avoid getting trapped in the mess.

After reading through various channels, what I discover is the main reason behind these people telling the women to dress properly or "behave" is that they feel today's women's actions titillate the man. The man with his innate carnal desires and unadulterated innocence is simply not able to control his feelings and ends up eve-teasing, molesting, and raping. Now in most cases it is seen that girls who are perfectly decently clothed get raped. So this has to be definitely 2nd order titillation. So this bechara guy, who generally comes from the uneducated, socially deprived background, comes to a modern city, sees lot of micro-mini clad girls and gets provoked. He knows he cannot get most of these women. But simply because these women have done the crime of provoking the guy, now that he is turned on, he ends up raping another girl who has nothing to do with this "inviting" nature of girls. Now that brings me to question few things:

1. If wearing lesser clothes is provoking etc, then would the TV commercials stop showing skin for the ads of every single product on earth. Be it deos, briefs, cookware .
2. Would guys give up their share of watching porn to keep them away from all ill-effects?
3. Would movies be banned for showing rape scenes and item numbers that increase their viewership to manifolds’?
4. Would all adult movies be banned?
5. Would Internet be censored?

Even all this doesn’t ensure completeness of the theory.Titilation may be different for different people. And guys may have their own interpretation of whether a woman is inviting or not. Some common theorems are:

1. If a woman is wearing skimpy clothes, she is inviting. Even if she says "No", the first interpretation is above all
2. If a woman has had multiple relationships in her life, with some of them even intimate, she is definitely slut.Hence inviting. Are relationships and forced ones same?
3. If a woman is staying late at night, if she is a party hopper, she is inviting. Well the premises of night are strictly not meant for girls who don’t want to get raped. The vice versa is also true.
4. If a woman is a single woman-unmarried (post the standard age of marriage), divorcee (oh!!That’s why!!), widow (unlucky one) that is w/o a legitimate male owner, then she must be inviting.
5. If she does not "listen", if she is adamant, if she is helpless(hence needed some help), if she is working late nights, if she is a boss' favorite, if she has got a promotion too soon, even, if she tries to be a man(hence needed to be reprimanded).....the list is endless.Also cannot help asking if a slut not have the right to say "No" ?

Agreed on the fact that 90% of our population comes from the economic and social "have not" category. They neither have the enlightened thought processes like us-the middle class or the access to every possible luxury on earth like the rich. But this provoking theorem makes only these “have not’s” take the onus of being lecherous and ill charactered.Have we forgotten Priyadarshini Mattoo case? Don’t the "high profile", "born pub trotting" men happen to see girls around them in skimpy clothes all the time? Then what titillates them? Or they are immune to all kinds of frustration and brutality?

 

Now come on, man and woman have always mutual attaction.Thats normal. A man may like a woman or vice versa. But then it’s important to understand and respect her "No". If we are to make an impact and make our surroundings more secure, we need to be inclusive of the 90% also. And changing the way girls look, dress, behave, just not to make the "have not" guys shocked, doesn’t solve the problem. There is no end to it. For a man who has bad intentions, irrespective of the fact whether they come from village, are not accustomed to see city girls or whatever, clothes and all are external factors and there can be thousands more. These cannot be controlled. What can be controlled is improving the framework of security, judicial system and providing a better atmosphere at home, better and sensible education.

Freedom today and one day...

For a while now India has seen an upheaval in protesting against crime against women. Yet, everyday newspapers are flooded with all sorts of such crime. Is it that these crimes were present all the time and it is only now that they have gained importance to make a place in the first page? Or is it, men actually are finding it to difficult to restrict their carnal desires? The weirdest comments like "Why the girl was scantily dressed", "why she was alone”, and “she must have provoked men" have made place in front pages also. This makes me think, if this kind of mindset is shared by a larger section in our society or not. Also what goes inside the minds of people who do such heinous crimes? Is it really the carnal part of it or is it something more to that? Most of these people have steady partners or else there are ample red light areas too.

Rape or molestation is the extreme case where a girl's self respect is crushed to the most brutal extent. But it is our social structure that makes this experience even worse to her. And surprisingly, some people, including women do think that dying is a better option. The definition of self respect might be different for different people and the impact also might differ, but this is one point where many would agree. And that's because "life after rape" is worse than “no life “at all. Thanks to the modern outlook. So when it comes to taking revenge on a girl, rape is the simplest solution. In fact, Hindu devtas have also somehow endorsed this fact.Indra still remains Indra after all-King of devtas!!In every bit of history, mythology or whatever, men have shown their irresistible lust for women and tried to get her with or without her consent. And every time it is other men who came to save her too. Be it Sita, Draupadi, Ahalyaa.Yes, women are too feeble to say "no", protect themselves, and take revenge. When he is a protector, he is the heroic, brave man. When he is the molester, he is bound by his natural instincts-simplest explanations of all. So be it the destroyer or protector it's "THE MAN”. And the things start looking simpler. This cannot be the case where a man wants to molest a woman, it is because this is one thing where he can inflict a lifelong pain to her and yet his subconscious will not make him mad with guilt. Somewhere deep in his heart, he knows, this why women were made after all!!

A girl from her very childhood is taught to play with dolls, make her dummy family, and wait for husband. Her entire world is some pseudo husband. A boy is taught to be the "maa baap ka budapey ka laathi", the Mr. dependable. From the very childhood, the upbringing of a girl takes away the power to make decisions .From watching her mother and other women in the family she learns that to succumb is "the way”. In a country where marital rape is not rape, what else can be said!! She knows that the only way she can get things done is use her beauty, feminine skills,"rona dhona".But if she dare says that something is her right, that's too much like audacity. Even educated, well earning women are prone to this. For example, many women claim that they do not want a very good job that demands extra hours and rather they would prefer a cushier one, because it’s their choice. Gosh!!Choice is applicable only when you have the option!!Will their family actually say "yes" if they opted for the more demanding one? And without a "yes" do they have the guts to live life at their own terms? Freedom doesn’t lie in boasting but it’s a way of life. And sadly  our social structure doesn’t support much of the idea of a woman living at her own terms. In every marriage proposal, even now, be it love or arranged, it is the girl's beauty, ability to compromise, and a decent education that's monetarily not so great and of course less than the groom's is taken into consideration. Matrimony ads still contain words like "We are very modern and will allow our bahu to work". There is no greatness in "allowing" a free person to do something. The other day  I heard a mother recite tales to her little daughter, every tale being so much marriage-husband centric, I realized that my childhood tales always had me as the main character, and how my mom used to change all the "heroes" to a girl .And I always learned to blame Rama for his leaving Sita.Shouldn't respect be earned?

So men, by default are respectful. When people say why she wore mini skirts, or why she stayed late, I agree that in today's social and judicial structure it makes very unsafe for women. But instead of saying why she stayed late at night, shouldn’t we say why it is not safe to stay at night? Is this just to manifest that "men will be men" and rest of the world take care of themselves? Is there not somewhere imbibed the urge to look down the entire fairer sex and make them stay back. Is it not again the age old power game that's behind every war, every economic issues or every choice?(apart from the ones made because of love). May be some part of men are really frightened by the fact that women are taking hold of a part of their "rightful share" of resources, jobs, money, respect and so on. Doesn't the kind of self proclaimed deep rooted decision making habit transform into other forms of crime for men who are not so educated, who come from very dark backgrounds? Can we blame only those men or should we not take steps to educating our sons and daughters equally right at home? For daughters, to teach them that there is nothing to feel guilty or afraid about to state what they want, to make their own choices, to stay happy w/o leading a husband oriented life. For sons, that their sisters and female friends also deserve the same freedom, nutrition, respect, education, financial independence as they do and there is nothing great or abnormal in it. This is the way it should be. For the husband, that he should treat his wife as companion , friend, partner and not be himself the  owner and that, it is shameful to say that "I don’t do household chores”. For the wife to stop living in a false sense of freedom, to raise her voice, to stop the everlasting "rona dhona" and feminine tricks, to lead a guilt free life. For every bystander, that he/she is not a bystander and is as active as anybody else to make this society a better place to live. For all movie and serial makers, to stop showing the "ideal bahus" in their stupid daily soaps/movies, for political leaders to come out of the extra secure cordons that they have and see what goes outside, for the judicial and law enforcement system to remember that it is not ideal that women should stay back at home at night or cover themselves in veils to escape from brutality, but it is their duty to provide a secure city to women.For everyone to believe that "Freedom is our birth right”.