Freedom today and one day...

For a while now India has seen an upheaval in protesting against crime against women. Yet, everyday newspapers are flooded with all sorts of such crime. Is it that these crimes were present all the time and it is only now that they have gained importance to make a place in the first page? Or is it, men actually are finding it to difficult to restrict their carnal desires? The weirdest comments like "Why the girl was scantily dressed", "why she was alone”, and “she must have provoked men" have made place in front pages also. This makes me think, if this kind of mindset is shared by a larger section in our society or not. Also what goes inside the minds of people who do such heinous crimes? Is it really the carnal part of it or is it something more to that? Most of these people have steady partners or else there are ample red light areas too.

Rape or molestation is the extreme case where a girl's self respect is crushed to the most brutal extent. But it is our social structure that makes this experience even worse to her. And surprisingly, some people, including women do think that dying is a better option. The definition of self respect might be different for different people and the impact also might differ, but this is one point where many would agree. And that's because "life after rape" is worse than “no life “at all. Thanks to the modern outlook. So when it comes to taking revenge on a girl, rape is the simplest solution. In fact, Hindu devtas have also somehow endorsed this fact.Indra still remains Indra after all-King of devtas!!In every bit of history, mythology or whatever, men have shown their irresistible lust for women and tried to get her with or without her consent. And every time it is other men who came to save her too. Be it Sita, Draupadi, Ahalyaa.Yes, women are too feeble to say "no", protect themselves, and take revenge. When he is a protector, he is the heroic, brave man. When he is the molester, he is bound by his natural instincts-simplest explanations of all. So be it the destroyer or protector it's "THE MAN”. And the things start looking simpler. This cannot be the case where a man wants to molest a woman, it is because this is one thing where he can inflict a lifelong pain to her and yet his subconscious will not make him mad with guilt. Somewhere deep in his heart, he knows, this why women were made after all!!

A girl from her very childhood is taught to play with dolls, make her dummy family, and wait for husband. Her entire world is some pseudo husband. A boy is taught to be the "maa baap ka budapey ka laathi", the Mr. dependable. From the very childhood, the upbringing of a girl takes away the power to make decisions .From watching her mother and other women in the family she learns that to succumb is "the way”. In a country where marital rape is not rape, what else can be said!! She knows that the only way she can get things done is use her beauty, feminine skills,"rona dhona".But if she dare says that something is her right, that's too much like audacity. Even educated, well earning women are prone to this. For example, many women claim that they do not want a very good job that demands extra hours and rather they would prefer a cushier one, because it’s their choice. Gosh!!Choice is applicable only when you have the option!!Will their family actually say "yes" if they opted for the more demanding one? And without a "yes" do they have the guts to live life at their own terms? Freedom doesn’t lie in boasting but it’s a way of life. And sadly  our social structure doesn’t support much of the idea of a woman living at her own terms. In every marriage proposal, even now, be it love or arranged, it is the girl's beauty, ability to compromise, and a decent education that's monetarily not so great and of course less than the groom's is taken into consideration. Matrimony ads still contain words like "We are very modern and will allow our bahu to work". There is no greatness in "allowing" a free person to do something. The other day  I heard a mother recite tales to her little daughter, every tale being so much marriage-husband centric, I realized that my childhood tales always had me as the main character, and how my mom used to change all the "heroes" to a girl .And I always learned to blame Rama for his leaving Sita.Shouldn't respect be earned?

So men, by default are respectful. When people say why she wore mini skirts, or why she stayed late, I agree that in today's social and judicial structure it makes very unsafe for women. But instead of saying why she stayed late at night, shouldn’t we say why it is not safe to stay at night? Is this just to manifest that "men will be men" and rest of the world take care of themselves? Is there not somewhere imbibed the urge to look down the entire fairer sex and make them stay back. Is it not again the age old power game that's behind every war, every economic issues or every choice?(apart from the ones made because of love). May be some part of men are really frightened by the fact that women are taking hold of a part of their "rightful share" of resources, jobs, money, respect and so on. Doesn't the kind of self proclaimed deep rooted decision making habit transform into other forms of crime for men who are not so educated, who come from very dark backgrounds? Can we blame only those men or should we not take steps to educating our sons and daughters equally right at home? For daughters, to teach them that there is nothing to feel guilty or afraid about to state what they want, to make their own choices, to stay happy w/o leading a husband oriented life. For sons, that their sisters and female friends also deserve the same freedom, nutrition, respect, education, financial independence as they do and there is nothing great or abnormal in it. This is the way it should be. For the husband, that he should treat his wife as companion , friend, partner and not be himself the  owner and that, it is shameful to say that "I don’t do household chores”. For the wife to stop living in a false sense of freedom, to raise her voice, to stop the everlasting "rona dhona" and feminine tricks, to lead a guilt free life. For every bystander, that he/she is not a bystander and is as active as anybody else to make this society a better place to live. For all movie and serial makers, to stop showing the "ideal bahus" in their stupid daily soaps/movies, for political leaders to come out of the extra secure cordons that they have and see what goes outside, for the judicial and law enforcement system to remember that it is not ideal that women should stay back at home at night or cover themselves in veils to escape from brutality, but it is their duty to provide a secure city to women.For everyone to believe that "Freedom is our birth right”.

Durga and more..

“3 cheers for Chakraclub”!!”Hip hip Hurray “ -Just when I thought it must be another upcoming IPL team of the local version and the cheer leaders were doing their job, it emerged to be something else. Yet another prize bagged by our “Para” Pujo. An entire of 5 days in all, loud speakers that are fitted just beside the wall of your bed room, nothing can be more surprising than “3 cheers” message at 4 am dot. And what surprises, we should have got accustomed to all these.3 months of prior preparation, when your own locality becomes like maze and almost all the lanes and by lanes get ready for their own version of Durga Puja.You have to literally find ways between lanes to find way home as most of these are blocked. Kolkata, during these days sees a new light. Everything is jazzed up-colors, lights, themes, creativity.When I was out of Kolkata, for many years, I did miss all the glamour of it. In MBA days, I used to pray desperately that our dear Subbu doesn’t use his brain too much to schedule an FCQ on these days!! That our esteemed placements committee ensures that placements are over by this time .And that anything unforeseen, unexpected just doesn’t happen. Because these days were reserved for Durga-the goddess who comes with her four children-Ganesha, Kartika,Lakshmi and Saraswati to her parent’s place from her in-laws(thus goes the Bong version of the Durga story).And we are to visit her and her children with all our demands(Vidyang dehi, Jasho dehi,…). I guess now the list must have got a makeover to include Iphone dehi, laptop dehi, truly beautiful, extremely fair, highly educated housewife dehi, Extremely rich, handsome, loving, caring, sensitive and zero expectations husband dehi, D’dmas diamonds dehi, abroad vacations dehi, onsite dehi and might be even FB likes dehi. Not growing up in a family that is super dedicated to religious matters makes you somehow inert to all the pujas .I am also not an exception to this. But when I was not here in Kolkata, I really wanted to be home this time of the year. I started planning much ahead. And, now when I am home after all these years, I just get a feel of something missing! Not that I do not like Pandal hopping. But some strange observations this year. People dress in all sorts of things-micro-minis, spaghettis, shorts, party gowns!!Kolkata sees a mix of temple+church+pub+beach+casual+ what not wear on the streets. It’s really amusing. People in their best attires (as per them) and best makeup (as per them) walk around the streets and lanes to show how “beautiful” they are to some strangers. And a new comer this Puja is definitely the Pepper spray...I heard girls are keeping those in their bags to shove off all those eve teasers. At least I could sense some confidence .Now-days all the theme pujas seem somehow redundant to me...Around July, you choose the theme...abstract themes like light/colour/happiness/hope...so on and choose the material like coconut shells/wool/old buckets/leaves/paper/clay/iron/..So on…and then you come up with your 50 lac/1 crore masterpiece in the next 3 months. Advertisers, endorsements, big, small...all in the game. Thousands of people flock to your pandal, you get loads of prizes, for 5 days you don’t allow anyone in the neighborhood to sleep. All the deities in the local temples are the neglected ones these days with no lights or just an almost invisible diya or they also choose pandal hopping? And that’s about happiness. In all these one question just pops into my mind. We want everyone to be a part of our happiness.True.But what about those whose definition of happiness is altogether different. What about the old people who like some silence to be there, what about people who would want the atmosphere to be a little less polluted, or the people who have life deciding exams just after Puja holidays!!Or those who are from a different part of the country or a different religion who can’t just identify themselves with all these ballyhoo.Happiness is definitely our right, but at the same time, choosing to stay away from our happiness is other’s right. I have always observed that there are very few people who can respect the idea that everyone is so different and that makes this world so interesting( as one of my friends used to say).Why can’t we just believe in that and act accordingly? Imposing things on others always creates the feeling of supremacy, difference, bias, and minority and so on. Along with all the other prayers to the Goddess, let’s also make a prayer that we would share a little more responsibility the entire year henceforth, may be Durga also maintains some appraisal reports for all of us!! Who knows!!

A time to change

Today's topic would be to try to understand  the question of the traditional roles played by women in India mainly, and also the world.The way ,in general, social perception has been built , women are known to look after the family,bear children and that is where they should find salvation.Now in today's world when we have advanced a lot and we see a lot many working women it is time that we ask a question,whether this traditional perception of women, is ,at all valid.

Lets take a plunge into the past for this.Long back when cave man and woman decided that they should follow the steps of Adam and Eve, their only necessity was to eat, reproduce and sustain their family.In such a set up, the ability to sustain a family in a better way and the size of the family you can bring up, were the only measures by which your efficiency could be judged.So for a man, it was the number of women they had in their life and the number of children they had.For a woman too, it was by the number of children she could produce.There is a reason to this also.Our earth in the distant past was scarcely populated..yes it was..and people then must have understood that manpower was what it needed to be more powerful, successful.The definition of power and success , of course judged by number of wives and children you have, among other factors.This was a cycle..the more you reproduce the more powerful you are..the more powerful you are..the more you can reproduce.And why not..!!the kind of inputs that led to a good life and sustenance of life..involved heavy work..going to jungle,working with the woods,gathering food from the dense forests, breaking stones and so on.Life was very hectic and hard.So for obvious reasons,the physically weaker sex,women lacked much behind in all these.It was very difficult for a woman to emerge as the food provider of a family.She gradually emerged not as someone who could provide food like men, but as someone who could produce men.Healthy, strong men.Hence those women who could not do so..came to be known as unholy,unlucky,the bereaved.It is important to understand the position of an unmarried girl in a family in this respect.The only use of woman , as a producer, was not available unless she gets married.So until that time she was a burden on her father.In a social structure that has a scarcity of resources, love, duty and responsibility are not always the only things.So when it comes to bringing up a child,or spending some resources for him/her, in case there is a paucity of resources, the provider would always try to dispose of the unproductive things as early as possible.Hence came in the custom of early marriages.A girl, as soon as she reached her puberty was married of.And even in some cases before that...when the bridegroom is hedging the future risk of not getting a beautiful, healthy wife.Even the definition of being beautiful has been very close to what it means to have the ideal body statistics to bear more and more healthy children.Thus girls were married of as early as the age of 10-12.And then in the years to come the girl became extremely weak,giving birth to children year after year,with severe malnutrition, and other diseases.If you are giving birth to 10 or 15 children in a span of 20 years(which could have been your most "productive" years in other ways too), starting from an age of 14 or 15, it is obvious that you wont have any good health left out to do other things.
So for understandable reasons , it was the RIGHT social structure that women stay back at home, nurturing their offspring and bringing more of them to the world, while the provider, the man goes out for work.

Now , in everything we see, we know, the person , the group who "provides" has an undoubtable upper hand.Take for the example your employer.So unless the service is very rare and very important, it is the provider of money who is the boss.Because he provides exchangeable currency.I will write a separate post on this soon.Hence we can understand why the males in a family grew to be masters.He will demand care, attention, pampering,he will make rules and ensure that they are followed.In short, he will want a gratification of his power.And in such a scenario, if we consider the male and female as two distinct entities of a bigger social picture, who would not want to decrease the power of the other entity and grow themselves?So as time passed, it became a male dominated society.And came in such fundas as "daughter is a guest","kanyadan" etc.If a daughter stays with you only for 8 or 9 years before she is married,before she develops her own identity,personality,she is indeed a guest!She cant get anything from parents, she cant be an intrinsic part of her maternal/paternal clan.Yes,she imbibes everything from her inlaws.And gharjamais were looked down as expected.Certainly because they were "weak" they could not sustain their family themselves, and took help from another male..the wife's father/brother(the males will be in a state of continuous struggle for power among themselves).This continued for years over years, and now we have our present society.

Now take a look at present.One, the nature of work needed to sustain a family has drastically changed.You don't go to jungles or wage a war to sustain your family.A vast part of job profiles consists of cushy jobs and getting paid.Two, and thank god and the inventor,birth control has arrived.You don't have to give birth year after year and yet your carnal desires can be fulfilled.Three,today's world does not need a big family.Come on..its population EXPLOSION.We need less number of children unlike the past.Four,the maternal health has improved drastically over the years.Thanks to the laws and medical facilities.So we have more number of physically healthy women in the society.Five, on an average women are getting married at an age over 20.So for 20 years her closest relatives are only her parents and siblings.She cant be called a "guest" any more.Six,the definitions of power,success have , to some extent changed.We can no longer say that a women who gives birth to 10 sons is a worthy human being.We do not consider widows as totally useless unlike the past when they were rendered useless because of their incapability to give birth and satisfy a man in the legitimate way.We do not consider a man with 20 wives as a "MAN".Seven,information revolution has taken place.It is very difficult to keep someone uninformed.Hence everyone is mostly or can be aware of his/her position/role in the society.Eight,just like the past,everything is governed by the convenience and power.So it is more convenient to have a dual income family,gives more money,makes you more powerful.

Coming to a close, what I want to say is, the rules and social structures in any society are always constructed based on deep social, economic factors, are based on the convenience of people, over the struggle for power, over domination and revolution. Over the years these take shape into an extremely stringent rule based system, a closed dark box. You never become aware that those very reasons which led to the rules have changed and that you need to change also. New rules have to be made in a society where the dynamics of everything is fast changing. One cannot keep his/her eyes closed and be impervious to all these.The ideal society should be such which should give equal opportunity to all, that should not take decisions on behalf of others lives and that should have equal representation of all the parties. This is not something to happen in a day. And in fact, ideal is a word that suits in dictionaries only.But then haven't we learnt about differential calculus ?Limit tends to ideal?..at least we can strive for betterment.It’s time to take a call...

Fuzzy Logic and Me

From the days I studied this topic in college everything has been fuzzified.Neither did I understand it then , nor do I ,now, given that I encounter it at every phase of life. So everything is stuck between 0 and 1.And no one knows what, when , where, how!!I search for happiness, peace..everyone else does so..but when I tend to know what will make me happy , I get confused.Not that I have been this confused always.But the time from when I have learnt to undersatnd that consequences to the correct knowledge of the answer of this question can make a hell lot of difference in your life..I have started getting confused.
So what are the main problems? Take for example,leaving a well paid job for pursuing higher studies.Higher education is well and good.But what about life after that?Is it going to be some ease in your career or turn out even more nightmare?Next comes the bigger question..whom to marry, when to marry?Or marry at all?I dont want to be an outlier as such, but then the happiness of being single is too dear to sacrifice, unless...ofcourse you get an "YES" from your inner self!!And sometimes that yes comes packaged in a hazy pack..very difficuly to identify.Again things go FUZZY!! Apart from this, ceratin behavioural aspects too are there.I have realized this one thing..that you cannot be your true self even if you want to be.So you cannot be humble always, you cannot totally not be pretending, you cannot let go always, you cannot be conforming always.And there lies the challenge.Answers are more often fuzzy than being a specific yes or no.Tough times to come!!!

Memoirs of Geisha

Memoirs of Geisha...I was reading this book during the last week.And the first question that comes to mind is how does the sadness , unhappiness, the feelings of hollowness of people staying long away from us be so similar to our own.Memoirs of a Geisha has a completely different context, speaks of a life that I have never and will never come across.But still I could not help but empathize with them."Them" I say because this book is not only about the central character Sayuri but also about a host of other Geishas..the bad ones..the good ones..the weird ones.The one thing that is important is each of us can recognise with their dreams, aspirations, sadness, happiness, failures and success.
This book is extremely women centric.So whether you like it or not you will be taken to a world full of women..the way they think, speak behave, dress, eat,work, dream , expect.And yet there is no help you can get in understanding how to deal with woman's expectations, in case you are reading it with the intention to find such answers.
This book is like a flowing river, where every phase of life begins somewhere, carries somethings and emerges as something else.Only the name remains same.The book begins with extremely sad things happening ,but slowly some optimism also comes in.But at no point you will feel like happiness has triumphed.This book is not for people who want to experience the rosy picture of life.Rather, it is for them who can feel the deep melancholy hidden in this story.An excellent book, that emerges as a lifetime experience.The entire road to reading the book takes you to a picturesque world.Every nuance is subtly expresses, explained and carried forward.
Indeed a great deal of satisfaction to read this awesome book!!!

What MBAs dont know

About one year post our MBA we have some time to look back and decide what we missed in our MBA.An MBA teaches you to expect the unexpected, to know things in a very short span of time and to get things done. But what it does not teach is your own involvement and the extent of involvement. If you are a workaholic you can dedicate your entire time, if you are not, you don’t have any other option. So there lies the crux that an MBA teaches you to be professional, to backstab even the dearest of your friends, to be indifferent of whatever the circumstances are around you in case it is against your own good. Basically we are mainly taught how to be the best in existing processes. We lose the insight to look into processes in an unbiased way; we lose the urge to create new processes. We go through each process, to perform the best, and as the pressure builds up some of us succeed, rest fall back. We do not have a contingency plan...we just have to be the best. But let’s not forget that not all people can become CEOs and CFOs.Not all people want to. And there can be other ways of making oneself happy other than great money and awesome appraisal. We are taught to be professional at all points of time still we never do forget our trivial and junk methods of personal attacks and stupid remarks. And in being such "professional" we lose the human touch. Let’s not forget that we are human beings and we as humans, as a social creature cannot be mutually exclusive with us, as the hardworking, intelligent worker. Professionalism does also include work-life balance and not making your work your life. If even after work hour you are constantly thinking of "how to do things" at your workplace, somehow you are prioritizing something’s over other. If it is by your choice, you may enjoy it, but if it is by compulsion, you are left with frustration. And your MBA doesn’t teach you to explore the other options. Once our Director Subbu told that the world is unfair and you have to get accustomed to it and accept it. You have to know methods to hack the code of life. But seldom does one speak of changing this unfairness. We look for ways of escaping, not facing it, not changing it. And their lies the utter failure of our so called acclaimed entrepreneurial skills. I don’t say that alignment to existing processes is wrong, because not all of them may be faulty. But what I say is we take things for granted. We do not question the validity of processes or the need of a process.

Break Free

Break Free!!Yes break free is the word. And I often feel this. I have never known the shackles; there aren’t any in the conventional sense. But sometimes I feel this immediate desire and that can be termed as only break free. Break free from work, from all possible outcomes of future, from all the memories of past and just sail through. If there can be life after death and if we can consciously experience that possibly I am urging for such a thing. I am trying to break free from things which I am so fondly in love with. The past memories, both good and bad, they provide me direction, a push to move forward, the future aspirations, they decide which road to take. And then all those responsibilities, so fondly earned credentials, without them I am just a blank bag of blood and bones!! The only exception can be my loved ones, even in this desperate urge to quit everything I don’t for a second feel like leaving them. But this extraordinarily power gush of emotions to leave everything and so immediately makes me wonder how mercurial I can be. Or is it that it happens with everybody. Our mind is the fastest thing to happen to us and when the mind perceives me as travelling to some far far corner of the country without the baggage of aspirations, emotions, memories, it really is tempting! Feel like a crane comes and just replaces me. Or just like a toggle happens…state 0 to 1! Or is it 1 to 0? No one knows. None will ever know. I automatically look to my holiday list. Search for that golden time when this can happen. I am sure by the time the actual time comes I will be back to myself (although I hardly know which is the “actual”” real” self) and will be taking decisions “judiciously”. And then that frantic “what to do” “where to go” look will disappear!!