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Monday, March 15, 2010

Little contrast

Are you still there?
With your innocent smile and little silly things?
I could see you no more in front of me,
Sometimes singing,dancing, sleeping..


Yesterday I know you were here
And yet I didn't realize your presence
Now a days I feel no mirth
When I see you loitering around

And does it actually matter to you
That your presence no more is visible to me?
I cannot hear your laughter,
Your cold vibes do not reach me any more


Was all that innocence just a matter of time?
I don't have words to ask you questions,
To let you know how much I care for you,
Some things may be ,are just destined to be silent between us.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Transience Restructured

We have known many things for ages and all of our knowledge pertains to what we are today. From the times when man used to believe in the supremacy of nature and demean his own abilities to understand or change nature, society and himself to the current world where everything is questionable. We have moved a long way. We all are reasonable human beings who try to legitimate each and every work we do by means of reason. But here lies the crux.
Most of the times the reasons we abide by are different from other individuals. Sometimes different reasons of different individuals reach the same conclusion and sometimes same reasons of different individuals lead to different conclusions. Power also plays a very important role here. So even in the very simple things of your friend circle, power may give rise to different reasons and hence different viewpoints. As we may know that in the age of modernity every group or so called every community used to have what is called as meta narratives which used to define what is right. So how much ever different that "right thing" may be from what is truth you ought to believe that. Simply speaking this kind of meta narratives still exist in each society, culture,country,state and even in the smallest units of groups. So consider a small group of friends. Invariably within that group too, there will be different ideas, viewpoint and hence power centres. When these power centres operate their results a shift of the fulcrum. But who decides where that fulcrum would be? Again this may be decided by the meta narrative or the so called discourse that the group pertains to. This discourse is very difficult to identify how it has been formed. Perhaps that may depend on the initial days of the formation of the group, necessicities and expectations of each group member during those days, and how much "valued" is each one in other's eyes. We know that we hardly value people unless they are valued by other people. So a kind of chain effect continues. Say suppose you have a person who is very much valued by others, you are bound to give that person more importance and thus that person emerges as a power centre and the fulcrum will tend to shift in that direction. But two things need to be considered here. One, what is the "time" when that particular person is being valued high. If that time is inherently favourable because of some other reason, needless to say, the actual value depreciates.Secondly, who are the "other" people who are evaluating the person. They may have some interests of their own, they may not be the right audience to valuate or else they may simply not be that serious about valuation. So once the group centre point gets decided based on the above, it becomes very difficult to change that discourse.
Now the question is, isn’t it all a matter of relativity? Is it at all possible to define the meta narrative so easily? And while once it has been formed does it not change? This is where post modernist ideologies may come in even in the smallest of group dynamics. This questions the authenticity of reasons and logic. So whatever is "good" or "bad" has been actually "made" that way by the power centres whose formation is again dubious and who do not have any credulity. So suddenly if everyone starts admiring someone, they will have their own reasons, but certainly there will be other dimensions to the very presence of those very reasons. Every valuation of every person, thing, incident we do keeps on changing in both time and space frames. So most of the times we fail to take into account this transience. And even if we believe that things are changing, we cannot identify that there are changes to the method of change also, just like the acceleration also changes. This transience gets restructured every moment; however the changes are visible and realizable only after a certain period of time. Going a bit far, suppose we have loved and cared for someone at some point of time, and that is because that person was a "valued" one at that particular point of time. But because of this transience, after sometime, on a revaluation, there may seem to be a reduced "value” and we may not find that care present. So if we continue pondering over the fact that we do not find that friendship being present anymore, that only hurts!!But understanding that the person is no more that important makes us "value “those times that we may have spent together in past instead of cribbing for something impossible at present. However having said this, logic doesn’t apply everywhere, and where ever it does, it can be highly biased too. We tend to give answers to questions we have ourselves formulated in the way we get our expected replies. Hence though I have quoted the example of human relationships, there still exists something’s which are beyond the scope of our logic and are governed by the heart and are forever, beyond the scope of time , space and other unknown, unrealized dimensions.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What Matters

Well I am at home..finally.. 2 yrs of MBA is going to end and finally I will be MBA!!! Hopefully no backlogs in the last sem..but then as we draw to a close..some questions inevitably rise..and may be my next few posts will try to address them.So
today's question..how much does lifestyle of a person contribute to the way the person actually is??
Let me elaborate on this..so if one is unorganized in terms of stuff..does that necessarily translate into the fact the person is not well composed?or if a person is too much into reading books, does it mean he/she is very prudent?The other day I was watching "A Beautiful Mind" and it just made me think a few things..which I guess comes to every other sensible person's mind who has watched this movie.And that's how much of reality, actually, does surround us..and how much of it is something called our own world..the way we want the world to be.So when we see a person who is helping out others..there may be two ways..we may think that the person is extremely good or else..is looking for some hidden reason..again the way we want.Whatever we see, is the lifestyle of a person, the outer crust,the way he/she reacts to certain triggers, certain inputs.So its actually a black box!!Everyone around us are black boxes and hence what we see, what we think can be extremely biased. We should remember that the actual personality is a function of many other factors apart from how basically the person is..factors can be external factors like the person being ill, disturbed, family reasons,socio economic reasons,and what not!!Even internal fcators like temporary depression, mood offs,different ways of perceiving reality and non-reality can be there.
We constantly evaluate everything around us..opportunists, non opportunists everybody does that..the moment we meet someone we start forming an idea about him/her depending on how he/she looks, dresses,speaks,lives,walks,eats.We must not forget that all these are superficial things and must not be considered as the "only" criteria about forming an opinion.Someone's eyes may be , by design so clear..but that doesnt make that person a saint...else Osama would have been one!!
So to be very clear,what I mean to say is one's lifestyle DOES NOT translate into KNOWING that person which inevitably many of us do..constantly do.I somehow cannot give that importance to lifestyle issues...so if a person is very unorganized yet caring, nurturing, I will probably remember the later ones..-

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Anonymous tales

The past few days have been a bit stressing and yet brought something which is so satisfying.The satisfaction of succeeding with solely your own efforts.Not that I am boasting of my third semster results and not that I got something very great.But simply because I managed to get a decent score.But for me this means something more than this.
It is not that I have never faced adversities in my life and perhaps because of all those tough moments I have had, I am here today.From the uncertainities of seeing your closest ones in the worst health ,struggling with the unwanted sympathies of a male dominated world to facing my own bad health during my school days.Very few people would have known how it feels to get high dose of antibiotics, steroids and all kinds of medicines for a kid of standard VII or VIII and still attend school, do household work, support the family and still manage to get high scores.My childhood let me know how to excel while remaining within the constatints.Still I had the self confidence, which now I really admire and so much of optimism in me that never let me put down my high aspirations.They say, that I have been always very clear on what I want .True..I know I have been..that made my passion come true more than once.Innumerable instances of when I tried to do things my way, lots of examples when I bypassed the skeptical notions of over sympathetic relatives,neighbours, friends who were never to be found in times of despair. But then each of those times I never struggled with myself, I never struggled with uncertainities of my future.That is why I regard this semester results so precious.Past 3/4 months I had been very ill..and that made me not only struggle with my physical health but also with my inner self..effort estimations went wrong and given that todays world doesnt leave a space for someone who is weak, I feel my results are commendable.Not that I am boasting of my achievements which any ways is not so great,rather I am writing this because I feel there would be many people around me who would feel the same way . And these few months have actually taught me dealing with the most weird kind of comments from people I would have never expected..perhaps sensitivity is a rare thing in today's world!!!But yes, somewhere I am more tough now and that shows in my results and thats what makes me feel so satisfied. One of my friends used to say that we cannot satisfy everyone..and neither can I , but in these few months and broadly during the last about 2 years , I have really learnt to make trade offs, and to accept trade offs , perhaps life comes with a pinch of salt..and we should try getting best out of it.As I try spending these last 2 months in campus I can always find a more vibrant verdant on the other side..just waiting eagerly for that :)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Best Friend's Wedding Gift

Today was Geet’s wedding day.Geet had turned 25 last year and that was the time when her parents started looking for a groom. Geet, a jubilant young girl with lot of eccentricities, also was happy about it. She never thought that she could also fall in love. Although her wedding was kind of arranged, but still, now that Somesh was going to be a part of her life, she loved him.
It was a busy day. Muhurat was at 11 O clock at night. Geet was so tensed, excited. After the wedding very shortly they were to shift to US. So more than anything else Geet had to think of all her possessions that she would have liked to take with her. Her childhood memories, those big eyed pics of hers where she used to have a strange fear of the camera!! She also remembered that fluorescent blue dress of hers which she so fondly bought but wore so few times. Her friends used to poke her because of that dress...how can it be so BLUE! And then her numerous collection of Ganesha Idols...small, big, crystal, golden, silver, all kinds. How can she not take her “Ganu Darlings” with her? But yes, there were so many things to take and so much less time left out. As she was ruminating, her mother entered the room.” Geetu dear, we are going to open the old wooden chest kept in the corner of the terrace. Would you like to come along to see if that contains anything you need?”
Suddenly something flashed in Geet’s mind. Yes that was it. She said “Maa, do you remember that old chain you gifted me once? That chain with a smiley as locket? It used to be my favourite…oh...I wanted it so badly”
Her mother remembered. It was a neck chain with a small yellow locket. Was not so costly but then it bore memories of Geet’s childhood. Since Geet was getting married and going to be settled miles away, her mother was a bit sad, she could not have thought of parting from her only daughter.
Everywhere there was a chaos in the house. Decorators, event management group, caterers and then a whole lot of relatives arriving. Now in all these chaos what’s the use of searching for a trivial chain .But Geet’s mother found it really very important. It was something which Geet wanted on her wedding day. Meanwhile one lanky guy came up to her saying “Kakima, the flowers have arrived, where do I keep them?”...”O! Wait I shall help you with that, they need to be properly kept”. Geet was still pondering, what to take and what not, perhaps she was thinking of all the memories she would like to take with her and leave beside others. Memories, they say, you can never wipe them off, but with time, they move backward and forward, they blur and brighten. Geet had worked in various companies in her career of last three years. She was a classic case where HR department should have concentrated so as to reduce attrition. But yes, now, when she was finally well settled in her job, she was getting married and leaving her job. Meanwhile, Geet was looking at her red coloured banarasi; her wedding saree wrought with golden zari work .It was something about which every girl would have thought of. At one point of time when Geet used to be very tomboyish her friends said that she would finally wed wearing a “banarasi jeans” because wearing and managing a saree was not perhaps her cup of tea! But now she looked into all those girly things, those jhumkas, bangles, necklace, payal, sparkling, and tingling. And she could not believe that she was actually going be dressed in all those just few hours later. Just few hours later Somesh would be arriving and she would be his, forever. Earlier whenever the topic of marriage was broached, Geet used to be totally clueless. As she herself used to say that she had very less understanding of all things which can be called “romantic” and “futuristic”. But now she felt complete satisfaction that she too understands the depth of certain relationships! Suddenly her mother was calling her aloud “Geetu, Geetu, come beta...see what’s there in this chest, shall I throw all these or you need these? “
Geet readily rushed towards the terrace. They had a big house with a shaded terrace at one part of the third floor. It was her favourite place. Whenever she had nothing to think , and she felt blank, she would come and stand in her favourite corner of the terrace. It made her rich and free from all kinds of paraphernalia. As she stepped into the terrace she felt an overwhelming sadness that in no way she could have taken the terrace with her. Will she get such a place in US? Will she be able to see the sky so clearly amongst the concrete jungle of Chicago? Somesh had given her a fair idea about how life in US would be and how she would not need to cook anything because everything can be obtained tinned and canned there. Although it relieved her a bit from her phobia of cooking but it did remind her whether “Pani puris” that she used to get at the end of the street can also be tinned? She asked Somesh about Durga Puja at Chicago and he said yes, there were few of them more being in NewYork, but does that really matter? When the people with whom she used to enjoy the celebrations would be miles away from her, how could she be more sensitive to Durga Puja at Chicago? So before marriage she made it very clear that they would “try “to come home at Puja times.
Her mother was still calling her...”Geetu, decide beta, tell me...I need this chest empty to store the flowers, there’s no place”
As Geet was drawing close to the chest she could feel a very familiar fragrance. A fragrance she had known for years, since her XII th standard. They say we get the best of our friends while in school but surprisingly Geet met her best friend when in Std XI and then she was in college. When she wonders how two people who were so different could be so good friends, only one name can come to her mind and that’s Suhana, her best friend. They shared some unforgettable moments of camaraderie with their madness, their eccentricities and their smiles. Suhana had always been the more matured, responsible type and Geet the maverick. Suhana would give hours of long lecture to her on life, on how she planned for her future but somewhere both were very similar. They both never gave a second thought before deciding to go out, were never tired of their stupid jokes and were always on the heels to explore. So in a way, they became friends, best friends, sisters and companions. As Geet could feel the fragrance she realized this was the chest where she had dumped all the gifts she got from her friends, comprising mostly from Suhana. As she came forward she could see that set of three monkeys, being referred to as Geet, that wax Ganesha idol, that golden Ganesha, smiling jovially onto her, brown laughing Buddha, showering all the luck onto her.
Geet could remember all those days. Friendship, for most people is for a certain span of time, when one is growing up and in dire need to make the world feel of his presence. We need to know new information, new things, new tricks, and new topics and hence we need friends. But then as time passes by, new things become old and old friends become distant. May be same things happened between Suhana and Geet. Suhana had to relocate herself on account of her work and then onwards she had always been away. Initially there were phone calls, messages, mails .But then Geet was too busy in handling her new life, new friends. What went wrong between them may be Geet too did not realize but now Suhana was a distant friend. As Geet was looking onto all the items, she could feel all the memories. Somewhere she did feel alone. Perhaps some misunderstandings are never sorted out. She desperately wanted Suhana to be there on her wedding day. She could imagine all the photo clicks where her best friend would not be there. Sometimes Geet realized that Suhana wanted to communicate something so ardently, but once priorities change it becomes very difficult to reach someone. Somewhere Geet felt guilty or may not be! But she could remember Suhana’s last call to her...”Geet, you were not there when I needed you the most” .Geet, the way she was, could not make out any meaning out of this...what did she mean when she said that she was going through worst times? And how worst was it? To her forecasting skills, she could not have thought of any other reasons other than Suhana getting a “B” score instead of her habitual “A”. Could she have asked Suhana about what had happened? May be Suhana would have waited for one call from her, who knows, how desperate and hapless she was!! But then never did Geet call Suhana and some of the calls and messages from Suhana went unattended and then at one point, they too stopped.

While leaving Kolkata Suhana had gifted Geet a teddy...it was a white teddy with brown eyes, brown bow, and red jacket and she said “Geet, remember me, and take this gift as if this is me...whenever you want me I would be there and in this way you would also know how I am”. That was when they were 17 and now after almost a decade, Geet could hardly remember of the worn out, discoloured teddy. As her mother was picking up each and every item from the chest and discarding most of them, Geet felt like crying. Should she keep those or throw away? Does it really matter to her now? She doesn’t know where Suhana is, she never made any effort to know, and now she wanted Suhana to come to her wedding, just because she wanted to get a picture perfect?
Geet actually started waiting for Suhana’s call. Although she never invited Suhana to the wedding but she knew that Suhana must have, by this time known about it. They had some common friends. Somehow it didn’t happen to Geet that she should call Suhana and invite her. May be she just forgot her. But now that all their childhood memories had been reincarnated, she felt a strong urge that Suhana should have been there. After all they planned so much. And shouldn’t the best friend be there on such an occasion as wedding? Shouldn’t Suhana be telling her about her bridal make up? She missed all those. You can perhaps substitute functions but not human beings. So Suhana with her little lost looks, mostly uncombed hair and those thoughtful eyes was not around.
Geets’s mother was waiting for her to take the decision whether to throw away those unnecessary items of worthless memory or to still hold on to them while Geet was lost in herself. It took some time for her to return to the practicality of the present. She looked into the wooden chest. A lot many greeting cards emerged, so many things scribbled on them with multi coloured sketch pens...as Suhana used to say...cards should be colourful. Many other things also emerged...like an old lantern, some clothes, an old blanket, along with those broken pieces of memory. And then slowly as they were approaching the depth of the box, there lay the teddy. Geet used to call it Guttu, her best friend personified, gifted by her best friend! Old, dilapidated, faded. All the memories were flashing in front of her eyes and slowly she drooped and tried to hold Guttu in her hands. She could feel the drops in her eyes and as she was holding Guttu, the teddy, it collapsed. Perhaps years of ignorance has taken a toll on it and its wool ,the stuffed cotton inside, the brown eyes, all were lying scattered on the terrace. And then it emerged...from among the debris....the shining , sparkling chain with a yellow smiley...Geet remembered some day she had stuffed that inside Guttu and then stitched it. Perhaps Geet received the wedding gift from her best friend...who knows where was Suhana then...May be in some unknown place, miles and miles away from her, never to come back.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Glass Wall

Recently I encountered a friend of mine who is in dire need of help because she is trapped in a room where nothing could reach her!! I tried hard to communicate to her, I shouted, cried, banged but nothing happened. Then I realized that at some point of time this has happened to so many of us! May be me too! We are humans and we cannot help but sometimes get trapped in these glass boundaries beyond which we cannot progress. Sometimes these boundaries are self imposed sometimes by society. We don’t even realize how far away we are going from our loved ones and when we do, it’s too late. Or rather sometimes we don’t even try to realize. We are so obsessed with either our happiness or our grieves that we never know when it’s all over. And this made me truly sad. We can make people understand small things but not basic things. Why should someone would have to communicate repeatedly that the person is very ill and at least a friend should ask that how that person is? But some people are blind as always, more concerned about the oncoming events of their lives .May be a little more sensitivity to near and dear ones could have made them better people. But I do not blame this on them, because they are unaware and really they may deserve some pity!!
And truly speaking damage control doesn’t really help once the damage is done. I keep on saying this. That every relation has a threshold and better we not cross that. Because once that’s crossed neither the love remains nor the interest, at least in my case. May be that threshold varies, may be the persons vary but what remains constant is the absence of the person when you needed him/her the most. And somehow I do forgive but I cannot forget..in spite of my amnesia and habit to forget things like keys, spectacles, wallet etc (may be I particularly suffer from TIA...Tangible Items Amnesia). So damage control may get us back colleagues and well wishers but not friends and if one is happy with that, nothing to say but really life is quite miserable without true friends !!And so the point I needed to say , which means the entire idea behind writing this post was that lets give some thought that we do not get trapped in this invincible selfishness (either due to business and specially happiness) that we part from things which are more precious.

Why I dont like Arranged marriage

People, specially those who count among my friends often tell me that I am being impractical by not having any faith on arranged marriages.Perhaps every person has his or her own philosophy of life and abides by his/her principles (I do respect that)and I too have those.Those who know me, know this also how determined and clear I am in what I beleive in.So here comes another of my beliefs and that is, I dont at all beleive in arranged marriages.

Without trying to justify what is right and what is wrong I can only say what I think because I am not the right person, for that matter nobody is the right person to comment on this and this has no correlation with the marriage being successful. Yes , it is true that statistics says that arranged marriages are more successful, atleast in India.But isnt thats only the expected? Thats because we Indians are mostly very fond of "what society says, thinks,comments or even dreams " about us and so in cases where the marriage has been fixed by society , is also "so called" stable.Also , for me arranged marriages lack ownership which means somehow we want to take a joint decision, hence breaking off an arranged marriage is also a joint decision.So isnt that obvious that people who couldnt decide by themselves during marriage would have less probablity to decide by themselves to call it off? Hence the result!! To me getting married is completely personal choice and perhaps I can fall in love with the worst person but is that a folly? I say no. Because I respect my freedom to take this most important decision of my life, I enjoy the whole idea, rather being a "yes papa no papa" girl.And why not be happy if this makes sense to your life? Because we all have different definitions of happiness. To me it may be derogatory to realize that my life partner has been chosen by someone else and I have been "selected" first on the basis of my family's wealth, status, my education , my beauty and then if I pass, at all, the cut-of marks I am selected on the basis of what I am. And by that time two families start expecting so much that in a way people become biased and say a "yes".

I may sound ridiculous if I say that I would rather prefer not to marry than to go for an arranged marriage.Very strong statement, isnt it? But I remember one of my friends saying that its not like semesters that we "have to".If some people are more happy taking their lives decisions themselves then let them be. Somehow I fail to understand why getting married to any person is more standard and normal than staying alone on one's one terms. So sharing everything..from our emotions, resources, family and the bed with someone you dont even love is more valid than staying alone and living on one's one terms?Somehow I fail to understand that.Some may say that only the initiating process is arranged and then its all about whether you can fall in love or not and then you take the decsion.But isnt that too simulated? Infact simulated love marriage! which too I fail to understand..truly sometimes I think I am too dumb to get those nuisances of so called "normal , standard, practical" life. But really doesnt matter..may sound very obstinate and over confident but again its all happiness and being comfortable with oneself that matters and I cannot be a hypocrite..yes thats my favourite word as by now everybody who know me might have known.

So I can fall in love first, second, third, fourth...times and fail and then again fall in love but still I would prefer to take decisions of my life based on my very own choices be it marriage, career or anything else and then again if I go wrong I will mend myself but still take decsions myself and so on...