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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Why I am NOT a Symbian

Dictionary says Symbiosis means "any interdependent or mutually beneficial relationship between two persons, groups, etc.".But do I really belong to that category?
I have many faces - red , green , blue,white and so on.Am I myself aware of those faces?Sometimes yes and most of the times no!They keep on changing like masks.They make me puzzled. I remember once I dreamt of being a carbon atom where my face goes for substitution reaction.Perhaps that was an overdose of organic chemistry in the early years of your life when you just begin to "make" masks.But now I find how true that was.Now I can make,wear and sell masks.My faces are not individuals, some of them like parasites.Creeping creatures who constantly struggle with each other, in an unending endevour to defame each other.And not only this, I sometimes even forget which one is my real face?May be that lies below all these masks!!And why is it so shy to make its presence felt ?May be because the new faces are so much overpowering.But sometimes when in the lonly hours I look at myself I feel desperate, desparate to tear off all those .None of the faces are in symbiosis, none of the faces want each other.How true that is when we see things around us.I may sound skeptic.I may sound pessimistic.But isnt that true?We all have faces, we all are constantly struggling to project the best face.Illusion, they say sometimes makes you happy.True.We human beings are living life in a kind of illusion.We are utmost sensitive to our own needs , be it materialistic or emotional.And we do everything for people we love.Isnt that utmost self centeredness?Because we cannot live without them.Because as humans we are also like parasites who need support and reinforcement to survive.But how often do we think about other people?Isnt the charity we do is also for self satisfaction of being benevolent?I know I can never arrive at objectivity in this regard.When I looked into myself I found that I am a mixture of heterogenous thoughts with contending forms of human rationality and self enforced definitons of logic.I give replies to only those questions which I would like to address and even those questions were formulated by me.We have travelled a long path since the days of Feudalism to Post Modernism all to determine the true human nature.But it seems like a mirage because whatever I think,I think about me,and I mend all the ways to fit that.And when other people criticise me then they too do the same.So I can never get a true picture of what I am.All my faces ,they argue with each other and finally the one wins which fits the situation best to satisfy my personal satisfaction.Hence for the same reason I can treat two different persons differently, I can love one person and hate other ,both having same "specifications" and I can utilise the same dimension of time in different ways.
So all my faces are prime characters in the play called Bidisha.And they cannot mingle with one another, rather all of them exist, in perfect animosity, because the faces ,if they would have been similar would have become one single unit.Their very existence is because they are so different and antagonistic.So I am not a Symbian and I cannot be a Symbian.I only need to identify all those faces..may be one day I will be able to see the multi faced me ....

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